Kill Bill - Not what you expect

Warning! This contains spoilers for the second volume of Tarantino's BRILLIANT 4th film!

Watched Kill Bill Vol 2 last night and loved it. People have been saying that it’s a lot ‘talkier’ than the first volume and while there is a lot more navel-gazing there’s still plenty of blood-letting and, to up the gore, the cartoon fountains of blood in the first half have been replaced by more realistic, and therefore stomach-churning, claret.

However, the most impressive element for me with Bill himself. In the first half Bill was no-where to be seen, save a few snatches of dialogue and a solitary right-hand caressing Sophie.

Here will see him in all his Carradine glory. But he’s not how we expect him. Yes we know that this is one mean bastard but Tarantino has developed a far more interesting character than just another mob-boss. You can see how this charming, if rough, character woos the beautiful women who work for him and although we never see him actually get rough – bar a few brief scenes – the sight of him making sandwiches for his daughter with the kind of knife that Michael Myers can only dream of displays his sheer power.
He is a bastard with a soul, albeit a black one. He is a romantic, who claims that the whole bloody mess comes from his own heartache and surprises us by passionately, and quite logically, waxing lyrical about his love of Superman as a hero. He’s a man who enjoys playing with his four year old (even if he obviously considers Shogun Assassin appropriate childhood bedtime viewing). Most strikingly he dies, not by the sword, but by a broken heart. He’s a man we’re supposed to hate, and he’s a man who receives his just deserts but he’s a man with an air of honour right to the end.

How typically Tarantino to make the despicable so desirable.

The Quatermass Xperiment review

Yet another horror review, this time looking back to the innocent days of the 1950s

The Quatermass Xperiment

AKA
The Creeping Unknown (US)

Tags
The most fantastic story ever told

Director Val Guest
Writer Nigel Kneale (original TV series), Richard Landau, Val Guest
Stars Brain Donlevy, Jack Warner, Richard Wordsworth, Lionel Jeffries, Margia Dean
Certificate PG
Year 1955


Dastardly Plot
You know something nasty will happen in an English sci-fi movie when a young couple are indulging in a little heavy petting. But before you can say ‘No sex please, we’re British’ the ultimate contraceptive smashes into the lives of a poor chap and the girl he’s after. The earth literally moves from them as a bloomin’ great rocket crashes into their farm. Within hours the countryside is full of Bobbies, firemen and the team of a certain Professor Bernard Quatermass. It turns out that the naughty Professor had fired a UK rocket into space before the MOD gave him permission and now has to pick up the pieces after they lost contact with the pesky thing in orbit of the planet.
However, when they crack open the capsule they find two empty spacesuits and one astronaut who’s been reduced to a vegetable (both mentally and eventually physically.)
Despite the best intentions of the police to get in his way, Quatermass begins to examine the man who has begun to mutate, but the questions pile up. What did they find out there in space? Where are the missing astronauts and, after they’re astronaut-cum-zombie disappears, why are chemists turning up with half their faces missing…

Vicious Verdict
Quant as The Quatermass Xperiment seems today, this black-and-white sci-fi shocker is a little bit of cinema history as it marked Hammer Film’s first foray into big screen horror and so transformed the company that had produced largely mediocre dramas and comedies since 1948 into the studio that dripped blood.
It was also the first conscious effort by Hammer to achieve an ‘X’ certificate, hence the change from ‘Experiment’ to ‘Xperiment’ (clever, eh?).
Yet, there is nothing here that will really shock or titillate, as you’d expect from an X certificate, but hey, we’re talking about 1955 here, what do you expect? Instead we get a tight, if unoriginal, little thriller. As you’d expect a lot of action is lost when a six episode series gets cut down into 78 minutes, so many of the more introspective moment’s of Nigel Kneale’s original script for the BBC TV series is sacrificed on the altar of action. Thankfully the opening half of the movie is satisfyingly eerie, and wonderfully clipped as you’d expect from 1950’s Britain.
Special mention must go to Shakespearean actor, Richard Wordsworth, who is as creepy as hell as the alien-infected astronaut in a performance reminiscent of Karloff’s Frankenstein’s Monster. To ram the similarity home, the writers even rip off a scene direct from the Universal classic where the increasingly deranged, and mutated, fugitive meets a cute and trusting girl.
Sadly, when Wordsworth is replaced by his ultimate slimy octopus-like incarnation proceedings go downhill fast and the ‘thrilling’ conclusion seems lazy and obvious, especially when compared to the original TV version. Thankfully we have the double act of the snappy and bad-tempered Quatermass in the form of Brian Donlevy and Jack Warner’s Cosy Copper to keep us entertained.


Terrifying Trivia
* Nigel Kneale was none too pleased that his English Scientist hero had been transformed into a bad-tempered, fast mouthed American. He later said, “He was truly terrible. He had no notion of what the character could be and he wasn’t interested.”

* The Monster at the end of the picture was constructed from real tripe and rubber

* Special Effects expert Les Bowie had wanted to set fire to the corn in the field where the rocket landed, just outside the Berkshire Country House that Hammer used as studios. Unfortunately, the British weather had other ideas and torrential rain put pay to the inferno.

* Long before she hosted Songs of Praise specials or frowned at the men-folk of ‘Last of the Summer Wine’ the late Dame Thora Hird appears in a cameo as Rosie, a gin-addled tramp who’s a regular in the local nick.

Quaking Quotes

"I'm a scientist, not a fortune teller"

"Quatermass sent it up and he brought it back"

High Points
Well, Kneale might not have liked it, but this reviewer thinks that Donlevy’s crabby American Quartermass is refreshingly dramatic in such a familiar English set-up. However, the star is the eternally spine-chilling Wordsworth and some genuinely unsettling make-up. Those half-eaten faces and crumbling bodies gave me many a night terror as a kid.

Low Points
Margia Dean as the poor astronaut's wife is as wooden as an MFI cupboard and the ending is no match to Kneale’s original which had Quatermass talking the monster down by appealing to it’s residual human nature. The scene of Quatermass striding down a dark street, alone in his scientific quest almost makes up for this, but only just.

Skulls out of five
THREE!

Dracula 2001 review

More random horror reviews - this time, one of the worst vampire films ever committed to the silver screen

Dracula 2001

AKA
Dracula 2000 (US)

Tag
The Most Seductive Evil Of All Time Has Now Been Unleashed In Ours.

Director Patrick Lussier
Writer Joel Soisson, Patrick Lussier
Stars Justine Waddell, Jonny Lee Miller, Gerard Butler, Colleen Fitzpatrick, Jennifer Esposito, Jeri Ryan, Sean Patrick Thomas, Christopher Plummer, Omar Epps
Certificate 15
Year 2000

Dastardly Plot
Christopher Plummer’s Van Helsing, complete with obligatory stupid accent, has a deep dark secret locked in his safe. Unfortunately for the group of ne'er-do-wells who covert his family jewels the secret is the remains of old Drac himself. Before we know it Drac has risen from the grave (now there’s a surprise) and is supping on their necks. The thieves, led by Van Helsing’s assistant Solina (the incredibly sexy Jennifer Esposito), are transformed into the undead and the big D heads off to track Van Helsing’s estranged daughter, Mary Heller. And all because naughty Dr Helsing has been keeping himself alive by injecting himself with Dracula’s blood, plasma that’s now been passed onto young Ms Heller. Whoops.

Vicious Verdict
It should have been so good. Unfortunately, the stilted dialogue rips the jugular out of a promising concept, while more nails are hammered home thanks to uninspiring direction and well, just plain awful acting save for Plummer and Esposito. The scares are just not scary enough and the action lifeless, which is a shame as Soisson and Lussier provide an intriguing twist on the Dracula legend. And when the logo of a world-famous music store appears more times that the titular bad-guy (just how much did Virgin pay for that any way?) you know you’re in trouble. Some films are so bad they’re good; others are just bad. Guess which one this falls under.

Sinister Sounbite
Patrick Lussier on Drac's origins -"Joel and I had been talking about trying to find a source for the Dracula legend, and we had both just finished going through Stoker's book. In the book, Dracula's origins are in no way made clear; he's in Transylvania, but he's clearly older than that. You don't know where he comes from, or if he is in fact Vlad. You assume it, but you don't know it. We were thinking what if he goes on before that, who could he have been? Then you look at the effects of the cross, silver and holy water, basic Christian things, and why. Then we started thinking about his last sunset, and if the cross is really going to effect you, if your last sunset is really going to be at the crucifixion itself."

Terrifying Trivia:

* The Mardi Gras scene features a massive mask of Béla Lugosi as Dracula

* Van Helsing’s antique business, Carfax Abbey is named after the house that Drac inhabits in the original novel

Quaking Quotes

"I never drink... coffee" - Drac's obviously come right up to date since the 1930's!

"Propaganda!" - Dracula dismisses the bible used as security against him.

High Points
Erm, struggling here. Miss Esposito is satisfyingly hammy (and have I mentioned gorgeous) and the central ideas are intriguing but handled badly.

Low Points
A complete humour bypass, duller than dishwater direction and lack of acting talent. Not even camp enough to raise some ‘ironic’ guffaws. Avoid.

Skulls out of five
ONE!

Toiler Humour

The Land of the Rising Sun never fails to fascinate me especially their constant and unwavering love of the WC. The latest potty potty to grace the bathrooms of Tokyo is the Inax Corporation's SD-card-enabled bidet. When you need to go, slam in a card and its ready and waiting to provide the perfect musical accompaniment for your bowel movement. There's even a motion sensor so the toilet starts playing as soon as you walk in the room. Well worth the ¥210,000 (around £1,087) the toilet comes pre-programmed with four relaxing classical tunes. *

It did make me wonder exactly what songs would make ideal toilet listening? www.pottytrainingstuff.com offers 'I'm on the Potty', 14 'delightful' sing-along songs for children 2 and up set to classic Nursery Rhymes. There's even a progress chart and stickers to encourage your little chap or chappess to learn the ways of the toilet and make sure they receive treats for mastering the poo-poos.

But what of real songs. Well's there's 'Toilet Tisha' by Oatkast Stankonia of course or Altar's 'Throne of Fire' (after a curry?). Perhaps Ash singing 'Let it Flow' or Britney's 'Oops I did it again'? Could be Sinatra's standard 'In the Wee Small Hours' of course?

Feel free to chip in with more toilet tunes.

Shaun of the Dead review

Listening to the brilliant Shaun of the Dead soundtrack and was inspired by its electronica-zombie vibes to scribe a quick capsule review of the film in question in the style of my late lamented horror film website... You never know I might even pop some of the old reviews up here...

Shaun of the Dead

Tags
A Romantic Comedy. With Zombies.

Ever felt you were surrounded by zombies?

In a time of crisis a hero must rise...from his sofa.

Director Edgar Wright
Writer Simon Pegg & Edgar Wright
Stars Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Kate Ashfield, Dylan Moran, Lucy Davis, Bill Nighy, Penelope Wilton
Certificate 15
Year 2004

Dastardly Plot
Shaun (Simon Pegg) has enough to worry about. He’s just been dumped, his best mate is a freeloading waster who is causing problems at home and his job is deadest of ends. No-wonder he hasn’t noticed that the recently snuffed it have risen in Crouch End. Zombies are trudging through the street spurning the allure of Cornetos to chow down on the flesh of the living.
When the scales fall from his eyes, Shaun must prove himself by saving his ex and his mum from the legions of hell and ensuring that his mates can stay alive and unchewed long enough to get to the safety of the pub.


Vicious Verdict
Horror spoofs can be an absolute nightmare, neither funny or terrifying. If you’re in any doubt of this fact then I refer the honourable gentleman to ‘Dracula: Dead and Loving It’. I still shudder when I think of it.
Then praise be that Shaun of the Dead is an absolute gem that will have you in serious danger of seat-wetting, be that through hysterics or the sight of spilt entrails. There’s enough blood and guts to keep horror fans happier than a vamp in a bloodbank and humour on a par to Pegg’s superb sit-com Spaced.
But the most surprising aspect of the film is it’s genuine heart (and I’m not talking about the kind that's regularly ripped out). While Shaun’s step-dad’s sudden pre-Zombie transformation into a caring parent is a little forced and obviously ready to set up another gag, the final scenes with his Mum in the movie’s final act is genuinely moving, helped along by Pegg and Penelope Wilton’s performances. Likewise the relationship between Shaun and his girl is in no-way more touching than his obvious love of Nick Frost’s hilariously slobby Ed. At many times you don’t care a jot if Shaun saves Liz, but the thought that he may not play Playstation 2 games with the true love of his life is unbearable.
Best of all, director and co-writer Edgar Wright has hinted that Shaun 2 may be on the way, although this time there the luckless salesman won’t be facing Zombies but yet another monstrosity. Fingers are therefore crossed that the sequel will be more Aliens than Friday the 13th part six.

Sinister Soundbite
“I’ve obviously reached that difficult age where I can only portray men from other dimensions. I’ve been the undead and now I’m the living dead. God knows where we go from here – I suppose I play a corpse.” – Bill Nighy to Empire Magazine


Terrifying Trivia
* Shaun’s mind-numbing job is at Foree Electronics. The actor Ken Foree played Peter Washington in the 1978 Dawn of the Dead (plus a cameo in the 2004 remake)

* Fulci’s Restaurant, the place ‘that does all the fish’ is named after cult Italian horror director Lucio Fulci.

* A comic strip prequel to the film featuring the transformation of Mary, the zombie that the boys find in their garden appeared in prog 1384 of UK comic 2000AD. The story, which was entitled “There’s Something About Mary” was written by Pegg and Wright.

* The newsreader’s mention of “claims that the epidemic was due to escaped laboratory monkeys infected with Rage” is a tip of the hat to 28 Days Later

Quaking Quotes

“We’re coming to get you Barbara.”

“Who died and made you king of the zombies?”

“Don’t forget to kill Philip.”

“ Stone Roses?”
“No.”
“Second Coming?”
“ I liked it.”
“ Dire Straits?”
“Chuck it!”

High Points
Too many to mention. Early highlights include Shaun’s oblivious walk through a zombie-infested suburb and Bill Nighy (all praise his name) as his crabby and oppressive Step-Dad. Then there is Penelope Wilton’s marvelously bewildered mum and the use of crappy records as an anti-zombie decapitation device.
And for some reason I find the reaction to the first zombie that makes it into Shaun’s house unbeliavely funny – ‘Ugh, he’s got an arm off!’ What a very British response to the lurching undead.

Low Points
You really have to scrabble around at the bottom of the blood-soaked barrel to find anything wrong with this film. If anything, the biggest wasted opportunity is the sudden disappearance of Lucy Davis’ character. Davis sparkles in the film, proving once again her comedy talent, and her exit is blink and you miss it quick. She deserved more.

Skulls out of five
FOUR!

Tie me kangeroo down sport...

A night at the theatre last night to see the one-man-show stage adaptation of Bill Bryson’s Down Under. I’ve never been to a one man show before so I didn’t know if one chap on stage could hold my interest. I needn’t have worried. Steve Steen was superb, mastering a veritable smorgasbord of accents as he took us on a journey from Perth to Sydney by train then up the Gold Coast on the road. The show finished as Steen travels from Darwin to Alice Springs to gape slack jawed at Ayers Rock.

It did strike me that for Steen who plays Bryson and a host of other characters including snotty hotel workers, horrendously racist train passengers, Captain Cooke and a Korean Croc, that this show must be a very lonely experience. He held us in rapt attention for a couple of hours and deserved his applause, but he’s a very lonely figure on the stage. Everything rests on his (admittedly extremely talented) shoulders. What if he forgets his lines? What if, as he did last night, he suddenly gets a frog in the throat? Who does he pop to the Garrick’s Head for a pint with after a successful show? Is this the theatrical equivalent of being a photocopier repair man – travelling for hours on the road to work his magic and then disappear, in solitude once again? Well, without the constant threat of paper jams of course.

Birthday Extra

Just in case you were wondering apparently it's more than ANY dairy products!

Woo - and indeed - who!!!

Just what the world needs... another blog!

I am 31 today. At the moment I feel nearer 71 but that might have something to do with a party last night and still dancing to Sir Tom Jones at 3am. The man may be a love god with the stamina of a ox on viagra but I obviously am not. At the moment the only god I feel like it a crumbling ruin in the middle of the collapsed temple that is my body.

But I've had a good day. Clare got some lush diamond cufflinks and - wait for it - A MONKEY for my birthday. Well, she sponsored one at Monkey world. A chimp called Carli (pronounced Charlie). And even better, he's a movie star - he was in Jungle Book and made a TV show in Turkeysince 1998. I bet he's more talented than the both of the Chuckle Brothers put together. Actually saying that , my little toe is more talented than the Chuckle Brothers.

Anyway, I need to end my birthday slumped on the sofa. Here endeth the first entry. Saying that I wouldn't expect many more and I rapidly forget about these things as soon as I start them so there's every chance that this blog is more doomed (or is that doomder) than one of J'Lo's engagements.

PS. Clare has just admitted that she loves me more than cheese. I wonder if that include diary-lea?