Holy Bat-Hype

So this is the new bat-suit from Batman Begins. I'm not sure about it to be honest. The head seems wrong, slightly out of proportion. But then again, I didn't like the Keaton bat-suit until I saw it in the film itself.

So far, the one I've like best of all is the get-up Kilmer wears in Batman Forever. It seemed the most flexible and I could even forget the bat-nips!

Meanwhile in related news this is far more exciting. The art from the new Batman animated series looks fantastic. Granted it's not a still but the style is extremely cool. I wonder when we'll see it over in this green and pleasant land. Hopefully it will tie in with the movie...

Talking of which when will we see collectors editions of the first four Batman movies? Where is the double DVD full of Bat-goodies. Come on Warner Bros, we're still waiting...

Hellsing - Protecting a very Japanese England

I've never been a massive anime watcher but what with my obsession with all things vampire I picked up the first episode of 'Hellsing' the other day.

Basically the story follows the fight of the Hellsing Organisation, pledged to protect Queen and Country, against the spawn of satan, the dreaded vampires in the most bizarre looking England you've ever seen.

Based on a Japanese shounen manga by Hirano Kouta, the animation is very slick, atmospheric and quite disturbing at times. Obviously as this is anime the first episode kicks off with a lingering look at a women in S&M gear before the gunplay starts.
But there's some nice touches along the way. Rekindling some of the old vampire legends, when one of these blood-suckers bites you, you're more likely to turn into a brainless, order-obeying zombie rather than another vamp.

So good stuff so far, complete with a spooky vampire priest and of course the strange shadowy figure of Alucard the vamp-turned-vamp-hunter who is obviously going to reveal more of his oh-so-secret past as time goes by (I wonder if it has something to do with what his name reads if you spell it backwards - shades of Son of Dracula perhaps)

Oh and of course, the woman who Alucard is attracted to looks a bit like a small child. With giant breasts.
Those crazy japanese.

Worth a look anyway. I picked up the japanese version for a tenner on ebay but I see in SFX that they're coming out on Region Two with an English dub too...

Friday choon!

This one goes out to all the Gnomes at the garden centre:

I'm down with this bad boy!

FREE ebook! Download now

Yes, yes, yes. This is the offer of a life-time. You can, today, download the brand-new adventures of Jack Slade, a hard-boiled detective steeped in the world of the uncanny.

And, yes, its written by yours truly.

Head over here to download it. You know it makes sense.

Interview: I was a Shaun of the Dead Zombie Three

Because you demanded it! The final part of our exclusive Tim Baggaley interview. All hail the one-armed zombie!

What's next for you?
I’m ‘resting’ at the moment. I just had a big chat with my agent, Louise Dyson, about what I do next and there are a lot of options. SotD is generating a great deal of interest for me. I’d like to get into theatre but that will be tough without any proper training. Mind you, two years ago I was in an office job and had never even fantasised about being a TV and film actor. Now I’m here with too much acting work under my belt to dismiss it as luck, so I’ve no idea what happens next but that’s half the fun of this job.

Are you a horror fan?
I am a big fan of the traditional Victorian horror: Dracula, Frankenstein, Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I like way the stories are really morality tales about good versus bad inside people, and struggling to make the right call in the face of difficult times. While the stories are set in grim experiences far beyond our everyday ones (hopefully!), they are guides to getting the best from life, not matter what it throws at us.

So I’m not at all impressed with films which rape these stories for their heroes and villains and their marketability, but lose the plot in preference for fancy CGI graphics and heaving breasts. Not that I’m averse to those features but with too many film adaptations of these classic horror tales the cleavage is as deep as they get.

My favourite? Terry Gilliam’s ‘Brazil.’ Not a horror film in the sense of a monster crashing about dismembering people, far more terrifying than that. The huge, dark, insidious beast which is the paperwork and protocol of modern life. ID cards, Gatso cameras, CCTV – all that big brother nightmare stuff. A film which is so dark and crushing and, for anyone who has ever worked in an office, terrifyingly close to the truth. Like all my favourite horror stories, it is about facing a horror we can all equate to our daily lives, and how to deal with it.

Which do you think is scarier? Zombies that lumber along (like Shaun of the Dead) or flesh-eaters that can run at speed (like Dawn of the Dead)?
Being a traditionalist, I’d say zombies should be the slow, lumbering kind. Having said that, ones that run around like they do in the new DotD film would be rather more scary – they are a lot tougher to escape from. I must say, I was pleasantly surprised by the DotD remake. It was suitably respectful of the original story, had some good character development and I thought the Blair Witch Project style close was a nice touch.

If you had to cave in a zombie's skull, what item from your own home would you use?
A tea mug, because I’ve always got one close to hand.

Cheers, Tim!

Yuk!

Now this is just the creepiest thing of all...

Micheal Sterkins, 51, of Grat, Louisiana, has been thrown in the clink for crepping up behind little girls in cemetaries while they visit with their parents and cutting off their ponytails.

Apparently, when the police stormed his home they discovered one of the stolen ponytails hidden under a bible by his bedside.

Shudder!

Back to normal

After a weird computer glitch we are back to normal today. Apologies for those who were expecting the third part of the Tim Baggaley interview. It's coming later, I promise!

Interview: I was a Shaun of the Dead Zombie Two

Carrying on from yesterday, more chat from Shaun of the Dead's one armed zombie, Tim Baggaley...

What is your favourite memory from the movie?
Filming on Sunday morning in Crouch End was funny. We started early and were shooting as people were wandering out to get the papers or nip down the shops. Between takes, the roads were open and people were walking or driving by and there was me and assorted other zombies lurking about. We got some looks. There were a few drivers who were staring out of their side windows for far too long, I was sure were going to see an accident.

The last filming I did was the bit were Nick stoves my head in with an ashtray. It was getting on on what had been a long, hot, hard work day. On the first take, the ash ray was full of ciggie ash as well as butts. I got ciggie ash in my eyes and mouth, plus I was wearing all the blood and guts make-up (and it gets uncomfortable when you’ve been wearing it all day, you feel like you’ve been living in the same clothes and mud for a week, without washing). I had the rig on to squirt my brains about and we did several different camera angles and a several takes on each of those. I was falling over, getting up and falling over all over again. By the time I fell on the crash mat for the last take I felt like I’d been knocked over and dragged by a dustbin lorry. As the crew picked me up off the mat and Edgar said we’d wrapped it, everyone on the set gave me a great big cheering round of applause. That did make me feel that I had done a good job and that they appreciated my efforts. That was a buzz and it is great motivating memory for me.

How did you first get into acting?
Ha! Now that’s a crazy tale… I fell off my motorbike in March 2001 and lost my left arm. I’m a keen dancer, especially ballroom and Latin and I’ve been doing it for years. After I’d got back on my feet and back to working. I went back to my regular Monday night dance class. I got on fine with it despite my left arm being missing. One of my fellow students in my dance class, Sarah Hughes, is a casting director for the BBC. One night, she asked me if I had ever done, or thought about doing, acting. I hadn’t. Sarah explained there was quite a market in film and TV work for amputees but very few amputee actors, and if I was interested there could be work for me. Guess what I said.

About five months after that conversation, Sarah cast me for the part of the demon Kaa-Jinn in Strange. The casting was so specific – they needed a left arm amputee with the arm missing at the shoulder – that I did not have to do an audition. The director, Richard Lingard, called me and we chatted, I e-mailed him some photos and the next thing I had knew I’d got a BBC contract for a character actor part. So for my very first professional acting role I was centre stage at Ealing Studios wrestling with Samantha Janus and strangling Richard Coyle without so much as an audition to claim as experience. In at the deep end, eh?

Obviously, your website emphasises the fact that you're an amputee actor. What challenges has this brought you in the acting and modelling communities?
Far from being a challenge, it’s my disability that’s got me into the performing arts. If I hadn’t had the accident, I’d still be working nine-to-five in an office. And if that isn’t enough, I’ve got into acting just as there’s a move within the industry to employ more disabled performers. It seems we are the last under-represented minority and now casting directors are interviewing disabled performers with a view to casting them in non-disability specific roles. Honestly, I can’t imagine my disability working any more positively for me.

I have to laugh. There are so many aspiring actors with degrees from RADA and a life-long love of the performing arts struggling to get acting jobs and then there’s me. I fall off my motorbike and lose an arm. It’s not been two years since my first job (Strange) and in that time I’ve done character acting roles on prime time BBC and ITV and a nationwide cinema-release film debut. There are actors out there I know who are seriously considering chopping limbs off…

Other than Shaun of the Dead, what work are you most proud of?
My three sexiest jobs so far have been Strange, Murder City and SotD and I’m proud of them all for different reasons.

With Strange I expected to be crippled with stage fright and needing a pee every ten seconds before going on set (which would not have been easy in full-body prosthetics!) but I wasn’t. A very supportive team helped me relax enough to take direction and concentrate on the role and not flap about like a headless chicken. I’m proud of that because I held it together far better than I thought I would and enough for Richard Coyle to be very surprised when I told him I’d never done any acting before.

Murder City (I was the Reverend Skipper in episode three) was my most recent job. I was booked for three days work but we shot my scene in a morning. Director Richard Spense gave me very clear direction and I played it as he called it. With about two takes per shot and we were done before lunch. I’m proud of that one because I felt like I knew what I was doing and that I got the job in the can with the sort of ease and efficiency any pro would be proud of.

SotD I’m proud of because it was such a cool project to be involved with and because it has done so well. Because the casting agency, Jina Jay, got in touch with me, I knew nothing about the film when I was first approached. From there, I got to know more about the cast, crew and the project as a whole bit by bit. I did not realise at the outset how huge this film was going to be. Even now, I still can’t believe I’ve managed to make my film debut in such a fab flick.

More zombie memoirs tomorrow...

The Shat sings back...

William Shatner has returned to the recording studio! Yes, its true, Kirk be praised...

There's a new album coming out in October and he's recorded... wait for it... Pulp's Common People.

I am very, very excited. My other half, Clare, is very scared.

Listen to a clip of it here!

Interview: I was a Shaun of the Dead Zombie Part One

Watched a bit of the preview copy of Shaun of the Dead today prior to the DVD.

I'd forgotten how cool that film was. In honour I thought I'd pop up a quick interview with one of the actors that gave me the willies most of all. He played the one-armed groom that prompts the classic line "He's got on arm off!" Ladies, gentlemen and the undead, please welcome Tim Baggaley...

First of all Tim, How did you get involved in Shaun of the Dead?
Direct contact. Special effects / prosthetic make-up artist Stuart Bray worked with me on BBC 1’s ‘Strange’, my first acting job. Stuart was hired to work on Sean of the Dead and at a meeting where he was being briefed on the film’s zombie requirements, he mentioned me and said they should get in touch. They did, I was called for two auditions, the second one with director Edgar Wright, and I got the part.

How long did it take to apply the make-up?
I’m not sure. I’d guess a couple of hours but it was not all applied by one person in one session. Different people worked on different parts of my make up, and I got to have tea-breaks in between. The make-up for ‘Strange’ took 5-6 hours to put on so after that, everything else has seemed light.

What make-up methods did they use? Was it uncomfortable?
The blood and gore on my face and hands was all the usual trade make-up, and there was always someone on hand adding more blood between takes. Special FX artist Stuart Conran made the chewed-off look on my left shoulder. He used a latex mould to create a ragged stump to fit to me, and then added all sorts of stringy bits and pieces and a broken bone end to complete the effect.

For the reverse shot on the scene where I get my head stoved in, I wore a rig for squirting blood and brains about. I also wore contact lenses that were like hub caps.

Both on location and in the studio at Ealing it was bloody hot with all the effects make-up and the morning suit my character was wearing. When we were shooting the front room fight scene - I am the first zombie Simon and Nick kill- we were having a heatwave and we were working under the studio lights. Damn, it was hot. That was close to the end of the nine-week filming run and Simon was looking very tired. At one point, he looked more zombie than I did and the crew sent him off to have a lie down. Certainly, I had no problem getting into zombie mode, I felt like the real thing and probably smelled like one too by the end of each day.

Had you previously worked with either Simon Pegg or Nick Frost before?
No. I’m a big fan of Spaced and I was gob-smacked when I got the part in SotD and realised I would be working with them. They were great to work with, We had a lot of laughs but it was also hard work. I am pretty new to acting and they were very supportive and encouraging. It is good when the other actors and crew support you in that way, it makes it easier to relax and focus on the part you are playing. With any kind of filming, there is big cost and big organisation and you always know in the back of your mind that if you screw up your part, you are screwing up a big project. The pressure is never gone but it is easier to shoulder when everyone is working with you.

I found Simon, Nick, Edgar and producer Nira Park were all very supportive and very helpful and I certainly hope I get to work with them again. They are all buzzing with ideas, there’s going to be a lot more TV and films from them, rest assured.

How long did the shoot take?
They shot the entire film in nine weeks, a blistering schedule especially for Simon, he was in pretty much every scene. For me it was one day on location, at Crouch End, on the very first day filming, then two days at Ealing Studios for my death fight scene close to the end of the run. Each filming day, whether on location or in the studio, is long. The production company always needs to get as much shot as possible in as few a days as possible.

Was their any particular method behind your zombie acting? Did you practice in the mirror?

I did not practice at home but I did work with a choreographer and a stunt coordinator at Ealing and on location. They coached me on movement and how to work it for effect on camera as well as how to look like an ‘authentic’ zombie.

Join us tomorrow for more zombie fun with Tim in part two of the interview, in which Tim explains how he got a right eyeful as his head was stoved in...

Say again?

I'm fed up with Bath having such a short name! I want it to have a moniker like the remote south-west Welsh village that has recently been 'renamed' by its citizens as a protest to a wind farm.

They have transformed Llanfynydd into Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybarcudprindanfygythiadtrienusyrhafnauole by simply hanging a new name over the name sign at the entrance to the village.

The militant organisation, known as the Community of Llanfynydd Against Wind-Power Station (or, more menacingly Claws) is hoping the 24 hour renaming will garner support for their cause. The 66 letter word apparently means? "A quiet beautiful village, an historic place with rare Kite under threat from wretched blades".

And so I begin my campaign to rename Bath. But what could it be "A beautiful city, an historic place with fine pubs under threat by obese female tourists determined to have their thongs rising up from their hipsters like an obscene phoenix gasping for breath after being released from two wobbly, potato-sack-like buttocks."

Well, I think it's fair. Let the world tremble before the might of BATWF (Bath Against Thong Wearing Fatties)!

Not for the squeamish...

Now, I'm always forgetting stuff. I mean today I've walked out of the house without my mobile phone or security card for work but at least my stuff always turns up within a day or two.

Not so for the Iranian chap who mislaid his front door keys 16 years ago but finally found them this week, embedded in the flesh of his leg.

The 50 year old was suddenly struck by a stabbing pain in his leg and rushed to hospital for a X-ray only to find the key ring inside. Apparently he'd shot himself by accident - this is evidently not a lucky man - 16 years ago and somehow the keys must have fallen into the wound.

I've heard of stuff falling down a crack in the sofa but never a crack in your body.

Tomorrow People

Had a great day yesterday at the recording of my new Tomorrow People audio play.

For those I haven't bored about this, it's called 'Warlock's Dance' and its out in October from Big Finish Productions. As it's the halloween release I suggested to the Producer, Nigel Fairs, that I write it as if Hammer Horror developed the Tomorrow People.

Hopefully it worked. The cast seemed to have great fun with it and one of the new regular members of the cast did tell me that when he read through the script late one night 'it gave him chills'. I felt stupidly pleased with that.

Ban the bowl

Do you think some town councils have too much time on their hands? Recently, a town in Italy called Monza has made it illegal to keep goldfish in bowls. According to Giampietro Mosca, one of the council officials: "A fish kept in a bowl has a distorted view of reality and suffers because of this."

But surely a fish forgets reality within seconds anyway? If they don't I'm troubled now. What about the fish I had when I was a kid. Did Flipper suffer and was Moby Dick sent doo-lally from having a round-bowl? And what about the trio of Jaws, Jaws 2 and Jaws 3D? I thought they were happy but all the time they must have felt that they were constantly having a bad trip.

So I'm sorry my little fishes of my youth. I didn't realise I was being cruel and so I apologise now. I hope that you're happy in that big aquarium in the sky.

Star Wars Episode Three

So Lucas has revealed the name of Star Wars Epsiode Three - ladies and gentlemen prepare the pop-corn for 'Revenge of the Sith.'

I have to laugh at the fans though. Message boards have been full of people saying 'ooh, it's a bit dull and boring', 'why can't it be more exciting?'. What, do you mean like 'Return of the Jedi'. Yes, that was breaking world records of originality wasn't it? (Of course, the third film of the original trilogy was due to be called 'Revenge of the Jedi' so there's another link). There was even one chap who complained that Sith was a made up word and shouldn't be used in a title. I refer the honourable gentlement once again to the aforementioned 'Return of the Jedi'. We only had two films to get used to the Jedi but have had five to get used to the Sith.

Of course, this is all moot as I would suspect that 'Revenge' will be another steaming poo on the grave of the original trilogy and will take the audiences to new levels of not caring... well, at least until the last five minutes when you know who turns up.

I want to be suprised by the third film of Lucas' new abomination, I really do, but I've a feeling I'm going to be disappointed once again.

PS. While I'm ranting about ruining SF franchises, what's all this rubbish about the new Star Trek movie being a prequel to Enterprise. Why? Surely that'll be set next February then? It'll be a series about a starship without a starship. Genius. Give whoever came up with that one a medal and then stick a photon torpedo where the warp drive don't shine. Oooh, it's made me all angry.

Cav's Amazing Fact for Monday

It's time for Cav's Amazing Fact for Monday...

Are you ready?

The only chap without a beard in ZZTOP happens to be called Mr Beard.

Amazing!

LEGO Spidey - How cool is this?

Haven't seen Spider-Man 2 yet, but I want it to be as cool as this. Every movie should be made in LEGO!!!

Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever LEGO can

Return from Cybertron

If you thought it was sad me getting all excited about Doctor Who coming back you ain't seen nothing yet as Variety has just reported that DreamWorks, fresh from Shreking, are teaming up with Paramount and Hasbro to develop a live action movie of Transformers, those crazy robots in disguise.

Steve Spielberg is exec producing it and it'll be hitting cinemas in 2006.

My childhood is coming back everywhere you look. It is officially the 80's again. Let's just hope I don't start wearing those 'orrible bermuda shorts again...

But in the meantime "Autobots, transform and roll out!"

Jerry Goldsmith RIP

Sad news that composer Jerry Goldsmith has passed away today, aged 75. Apparently he lost a long-fought battle with cancer.

For me, I'll always think of his cracking Star Trek march from 'The Motion Picture' and, of course, The Next Generation but it's all to easy to forget the highlights of his amazing career. There's the oscar winning 'The Omen', the original 'Planet of the Apes' and the theme to 'The Man from U.N.C.L.E'. Then there's 'Logan's Run', 'Alien', 'Poltergeist'... the list is (almost endless)

I've heard loads of people claim he's was a poor man's John Williams but that's really unfair. Granted this man was the soul who penned the sugary-sweet 'Walton's' theme, but we shouldn't hold that against him!

The Sad Who Countdown

OK, now I'm getting even more excited.

Look who's arrived in Cardiff...

Vworp Vworp!

Frankenstein Review

Yet another random horror, this time the movie that launched franchises of terror...

Frankenstein (1931)

Tags:
The man who made a monster

A Monster Science Created - But Could Not Destroy!

Director James Whale
Writer Peggy Webling (original play), John L. Balderston, Francis Edward Faragoh, Garrett Fort
Stars Colin Clive, Mae Clarke, John Boles, Boris Karloff, Edward Van Sloan
Certificate 15
Year 1931

Dastardly Plot
Do I have to really highlight something you know so well? Nutter scientist Henry Frankenstein (Colin Clive) and his hunchbacked assistant Fritz indulge in a little grave robbing to complete his dream of creating life from dead matter. However, when Fritz nicks the wrong brain from the university (he obviously missed the handy label on the jar reading ‘Criminal brain’) you realise things aren’t going to go to plan. In front of the horrified eyes of his friends and fiancé Frankenstein succeeds and, quite literally, creates a monster. But how long can it be before the creator turns on his creation and the poor thing is run out of town by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks. Oooh, I’d give it half-an-hour or so…

Vicious Verdict
While it is by no means the most faithful adaptations of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, the 1931 Universal Classic is the most respected and loved, and rightly so.
James Whale, influenced by German expressionist cinema built a world of creeping shadows and impossibly large rooms full of distorted and unnerving angles. In doing so he created just about every movie monster cliché in the book; mad scientists, hunchbacked assistants and OTT lab equipment abound from beginning to end.
The atmosphere is also greatly enhanced by the fact that in 1931 hardly any films had background music meaning that when we finally see the monster he just stands there immobile and in complete silence. The effect is far more unsettling than if it had a Hammer Horror devil’s cord ringing in the background.
But, of course, it is the monster himself that makes this movie. Karloff is quite simply superb, menacing and yet sympathetic, suddenly cruel and yet as tender as a lamb. The innocence of the brain-damaged teratism is never clearer as he reaches out as if to capture the sunlight.
This isn’t a murderer but a child who doesn’t understand the consequences of his actions. His initial violence is a reaction to the cruel treatment he receives at the hands of Fritz. This is never more obvious than in the moment when he flings a young girl to her death in the village lake. He had seen flowers float and therefore expected the child to do the same. No cruelty, no evil intent, just a misunderstanding.
It is a tribute to Karloff and his abilities that audiences can achieve so much empathy for the monster as by removing the power of speech from Frankenstein’s creature the film-makers had reduced Mary Shelley’s articulate creation to a growling, grunting hulk.
Thankfully we are left with a masterpiece of dramatic understatement.

Terrifying Trivia
* Bela Lugosi, fresh from his successful role in Dracula was originally offered the role of the monster, but turned it down as he had no desire to play a creature with no dialogue. He would eventually play the role in the 1943 movie Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man.

* In the original cut Henry Frankenstein babbles "Now I know what it's like to be God!" On re-release in the late 30s, censors demanded the line be cut on the grounds of blasphemy. Recent video and DVD released feature the restored dialogue.

* The prologue to the film where Edward Van Sloan warns the audience that Frankenstein may shock them, perhaps even terrify them, was added after filming had been completed as the studio was worried that the movie’s themes would be too scandalous for the American public.

Quaking Quotes
"The brain you stole, Fritz. Think of it. The brain of a dead man waiting to live again in a body I made with my own hands!"

"Dangerous? Poor old Waldman. Have you never wanted to do anything that was dangerous? Where should we be if no one tried to find out what lies beyond? Have your never wanted to look beyond the clouds and the stars, or to know what causes the trees to bud? And what changes the darkness into light? But if you talk like that, people call you crazy. Well, if I could discover just one of these things, what eternity is, for example, I wouldn't care if they did think I was crazy."


High Points
The opening shots of the grave-robbing Doctor and his hunchback assistant are still chilling today and Karloff’s entrance is guaranteed to send a shiver down your back, as is his game with the little girl by the lake. A personal, if slightly more irreverent high point, is the Monster’s growl when he comes face to face with Frankenstein’s bride. Is that the re-animated corpse equivalent of winking at a girlie?

Low Points
Don’t try to think too much about the plot. For example how does the monster know where to find Frankenstein’s bride and why does he choose to attack her. Or how does the villager realise that the creature murdered his drowned daughter?
We also have to forgive the appalling comedy-relief happy ending that was tacked on to lighten the hearts of the audiences. How could they?

SKULLS OUT OF FIVE
THREE!

Just hanging around

Now this is just bizarre and not for the squeamish.

According to news reports from Miami, police in Florida Keys have stumbled upon a weird new hobby. The young people of the town, instead of hanging in the mall, have been hanging from meat hooks.

The US Coast Guard was called on July 12 to check out the sandbar off Whale Harbour in Islamorada where they discovered five youths had built a bamboo tripod, complete with meat hooks. And worst of all they was dangling from the hooks that were embedded in their shoulders. This wasn’t an attack. They had done it themselves.

One tattoo-covered chap even told the Coast Guard that he was just enjoying the afternoon as he swayed from his hook.

It turns out that this is a regular past-time for them and they had planned to upload photos of themselves on a ‘body modification’ website.

Madness. Why can’t they vandalise phone-boxes or gather en-masse outside the co-op like other kids? What’s the world coming to?

The Lapse - Cool little horror movie

If you're a fan of horror then you should check out this six minute horror short from Rick Porven. It's a nice little surreal story, high on imagery and atmosphere.

The only snag for me is that the titles are a tad on the long side for such a short film.

You can download it here

Enjoy!

The Geek is Back!!!

OK, indulge me. I'm going to get a bit sad for a minute.

You see, it's back. It's happening now.

Yesterday filming began on the new series of Doctor Who in Cardiff, Wales.

That means that right now, just over the bridge, a Police Box is standing in a Cardiff street.

There's a new actor introducing himself as the Doctor and new extras screaming at the hideous monsters.

Somewhere, someone is thinking about how they are going to rearrange the theme tune and a digital artist will be planning the titles.

I know it’s sad. I know it’s geeky. But my favourite TV series is coming back and I can't wait. No apologies. No embarrassment.

Just a fact.

The return of the horror comic - The Nail issue one

The 1950's saw blood and gore run freely in comic book stores. OK, while actually murders involving chain saws and screaming virgins in the 50's equivalent of Forbidden Planet were rare, the pulpy pages on the shelves had found new depths of debauchery and terror. Riding this wave of the macabre Entertainment (or EC) comics hit the headlines with its range of notorious series including ‘Tales from the Crypt’ and ‘Vault of Horror’
Ironically for a comic company which began by publishing illustrated bible stories, EC now thrived on kids who loved to be scared witless while reading ghoulish stories under the bed covers.

However, a hidden threat hovered ominously on the horizon. Appalled by the blood-thirsty nature of these penny dreadfuls, psychiatrist, Dr. Frederic Wertham, published ‘Seduction Of The Innocent’, accusing comic books of corrupting youth and provoking juvenile delinquency. The furore it generated had the government lunging for the jugular. The head of EC, William Gaines volunteered to testify to a US Senate subcommittee but found himself facing one of his more recent covers, displaying a lurid depiction of an axe-wielding maniac offering a woman’s severed head. The hearing didn’t go well, and led to the 1955 creation of the Comics Code. With EC seen as too visceral for the Code, Tales From The Crypt et all were dropped by distributors. The time of the horror comic had crumbled in the cold, harsh light of day.

Over the following decades horror comics came and went, but, as with Marvel’s ‘Tomb of Dracula’, were a watered down and safe form of terror. The vampire had lost its teeth. That is until 2002.

Out of nowhere a new horror book arrived on the shelf from IDW Publishing, scribed by horror writer Steve Niles. ‘30 Days of Night’ told of a remote Alaska town which, due to its icy, geographical location is plunged into total darkness for a month each year. And when the sun went down, the undead arrived for an all you can eat buffet. Two years later and IDW is releasing the second sequel to the original saga and a Hollywood film is in pre-production.

Meanwhile, the horror comic, full of guts and gore is back with a vengeance. Dark Horse had totally revitalised its horror line, with the help of Niles once again, IDW is one of the most successful independent comic publishers in the states.

This month sees Niles’ latest project published by Dark Horse, a team-up with rock-star, horror director and writer, Rob Zombie. When ‘The Nail’ was first announced there were some critics who displayed concern. While his work is often vicious in content, Niles is known clever dialogue and subtle plot twists, while Zombie’s own material is often ram-packed with extreme violence and many bouncing female bazookas. These critics were, in my opinion, completely and utterly wrong. Yes, I have to admit that The Nail isn’t for the squeamish or the prudes of this world, but the first issue is funny and extremely well written, performing the miracle of making a loutish and OTT pro-wrestler a sympathetic character while also scaring the willies out of you. In common parlance – IT ROCKS!

But be warned, the last panel in this battle of wrestler versus demon-bikers from hell is sure to cause you a few sleepless night.

Which is exactly what a horror comic should do. Lets raise a glass of Type AB positive to Mr Niles. Thank you for bringing back the chills.

Unsubstantiated fact of the day.

Just received this in an email newsletter. It may or may not be true but if it teaches us anything it’s that rodents shouldn’t drink caffeine.

There are more than 1,000 chemicals in a cup of coffee. Of these, only 26 have been tested, and half caused cancer in rats.

So there…

Poo Power

Not that I want you to think that I'm unnaturally interested in matters of the WC today but I couldn't believe this when I read it. The Science Museum in London is apparently considering taking the human waste from its 14 toilet blocks and converting it into electricity.

The head of the museum, Jon Tucker has told reporters "With free admission it would be a great way for visitors to give something back to the museum and help keep the overheads down. We have almost 3 million visitors each year and have huge electricity bills."

The plan is to siphon off do-do, store it and then burn it as fuel in a mini-power station or transform it into juice using a microbial fuel cell.

And here's one of those facts that you can drop into polite conversation over dinner. The power produced from just 100,000 visitors could power power 500 light bulbs. Wow.

I am now going to work out how I can power my flat from my pet hamster's dropping. Frank, my boy you're a little man with a big job to do.

Smoking may blow up your loo

Forget those 'Smokers die younger' warnings on packets of cigarettes. What you need is a 'Smoking may cause you to explode" sticker.

Actually for once the sin doesn't lay at the tobacco manufacturers door just someone who is - how can I put this nicely - stupid. You see last Tuesday a chap decided he needed to spend some quality time in a portable loo in Blacksville W. Va, USA. Nothing newsworthy in that until the guy, who at the moment hasn't been named, lit up. Unfortunately he was sitting slap bang in the middle of methane gas build-up and, according to a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services, the volatile gas 'didn't take to kindly' to the Marlboro. The result? Why the portable karzy exploded of course.
Luckily the unfortunate smoker wasn't severely injured and drove himself to Clay-Battelle Community Health Center. But just imagine the therapist bills he's going to have to shell out for now every time he wants a dump. You hear of drivers that can't get back in a car after a nasty crash. Imagine being reminded of the time where you were blown out of a porta-loo every time you hear the call of nature. Toilet-trauma at its worst.

Boom Boom - A couple of Beckham jokes

More digs at the beleaguered England Captain. Hurrah!

Best topical Beckham joke:

"Reports from Baghdad say that Saddam Hussein may face the death penalty. His lawyers have requested that David Beckham take it."


Best ever Beckham joke:

St. Peter is having a lazy Sunday, when suddenly Michaelangelo appears, demanding entry to Paradise.

"Why do you deserve it?" Peter asks.

"I gave up four years of my life to paint the cieling of the Sistine Chapel. I took three to sculpt David, and annoyed the Hell out of the Medicis. My works are admired and loved by all mankind!"

"Hmm..." says Peter, "But can you prove you are who you say you are? You have no idea how many impostors we get up here!"

Michaelangelo takes Peter's grapefruit knife, and in seconds he has chiselled one of the Pearly Gates into a breathtaking likeness of St. John the Baptist. Peter is impressed despite himself.

"Fair enough, mate. In you go. Check your hat in just to the left, there."

Michaelangelo proudly strides through the gates, but just as Peter is settling back down to the crossword, Albert Einstein appears, also requesting life everlasting.

"Okay, what's your story?" askes an irritated Peter.

"Well, I formulated the Special and General theories of Relativity, which are cornerstones of modern science and philosophy. I proved and codified matter/energy equivalence. Oh, and I spoke up for the Big Guy when all that Quantum nonsense started."

"All very well, but how do I know you're the real Einstein?"

Einstein takes Peter's quill and begins to inscribe complex symbols on a passing cloud. When he has finished, a spectacular proof of Fermat's last theorem hangs in the air for a few seconds, before the cloud dissipates.

"Works for me!" Peter replied. "Step forward, and enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Oh, and there's a barber's shop on Cherub Avenue, by the way. Have a nice Eternity!"

After Einstein has shuffled onto the immortal coil, Peter reckons he should have the rest of the afternoon to himself. No such luck.

"I'm, like, David Beckham, obviously." say the newcomer.

"Okay" sighs Peter, "I read the papers. So, what are you going to do to prove it?"

"Er, come again, mate?" says Becks.

"Well, Michaelangelo carved that beautiful likeness, to prove that he was indeed Michaelangelo. Einstein solved one of the mysteries of the Universe before my eyes, to prove he was Einstein. What are you gong to show me?"

David gives Peter a nonplussed frown.

"Michaelangelo? Einstein? Who are they?"

Peter sighs to himself.

"In you go, David.", he says.

Valentine review

A horror clunker of the first order. Run for your lives...

Valentine

Tags
Remember that kid everyone ignored on Valentine’s Day? He remembers you.

This February, Hearts Don't Just Break. They Get Even

Roses are red, and so is blood. Candy is sweet, and so is revenge.

Director Jamie Blanks
Writer Donna Powers, Wayne Powers, Gretchen J. Berg, Aaron Harberts
Stars Denise Richards, David Boreanaz, Marley Shelton, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel, Shelley Fisher
Certificate 15
Year 2001

Dastardly Plot
Thirteen year's ago goofy-toothed nerd Jeremy is spurned by a number of pretty girls at a Valentine party before getting some tonsil -tonguing action from the class fatty. Yet, when even she turns on him and he is beaten to a pulp by the local jocks the poor lad’s sanity snaps.
Back to the present day and the group of girlies (remarkably all still living in the same town and still buddies) start to receive distinctly un-romantic Valentine cards before they begin to turn up at the morgue, each dispatched by a knife-wielding stalker in a Cupid mask. Well, they say the course of true love never runs smoothly…

Vicious Verdict
I expected nothing from Valentine and yet it still managed to disappoint. Maybe its because the characters are so two dimensional that you’d care more if one of the Mr Men received an axe to the back. It could also be that the death’s themselves induce yawns rather than shrieks. Or perhaps its because, once again, we have yet another Michael Myers clone walking very, very slowly towards his victims with a kitchen knife and murderous intentions in hand...

Nah, it’s because its complete crap from beginning to end.
We are treated to a hopeless gaggle of young actresses who seemed to have skipped the ‘how to act class’ in drama school, with the only real big name, Denise Richards, following in the long Hollywood tradition of appearing as a Bond girl and then disappearing into Z-movie hell. Well, at least she proves once and for all that she couldn’t act if you paid her to. Oh, they did didn’t they. Shame.
And then there’s David Boreanaz, fresh from his role as Angel in ‘Buffy’, who wanders through the film as if he’s stumbled onto the wrong sound stage. The rest of the cast are as forgettable as the laughably unoriginal death-scenes, which are repeatedly thrown away with little or no thought.
And the final death-knell for this car-accident of a thriller (and I use that word with lashings of irony) is that the true identity of the killer would be painfully obvious to a deranged monkey let alone an intelligent audience. Long before they reach the muddled and frankly ludicrous ending, you’ve given up caring and when the final so-called big twist meanders onto the screen you’ve no-doubt wandered off to do something more interesting – like counting the number of grains in the sugar bowl.
And to think it took four screenwriters to come up with this steaming pile of dingo’s kidneys. Pathetic.

Terrifying Trivia
* Working titles for the film included ‘Love Hurts’ and ‘Valentine’s Day’

* In an oh-so-hilarious scene Kat informs Dorothy that her boyfriend played by David Boreanaz is ‘no angel’ referring to his role of Angel in ‘Buffy, the Vampire Slayer’. This is, of course, is true as Angel is an interesting and engaging role which demands actual acting from Boreanaz, the complete opposite of his role in this movie.

*Continuity Cock-Up: When medical student, Shelly, is running for her life the knife in her hand disappears and reappears, even swapping hands at one point.

* David Boreanaz’s co-star Charisma Carpenter from ‘Angel’ appears in a blink-and-you-miss-it cameo at the party

Quaking Quotes
"You brought me upstairs to show me your penis? How sweet!"

"Oh, get your hands off me, you mail order bride from HELL! "

High Points
Paige’s comeuppance in the hot-tip is strangely rewarding (but that could be because it signals Denise Richard’s exit from the action), but you know you’re in trouble when a cast member having to wash her hair in the toilet bowl is a standout moment!

Low Points
Too many to mention although the mess of a climax will leave you wondering what they hell just happened for about five minutes before you realise life is too short for such rubbish.

Skulls out of five
NONE!

The answers to yesterday's time-waster

Because I know you can't wait to find out what they were...

And the answer to those song lyrics lost in translation are...

When I was younger, so much younger than today
became
When I age the young person, young people as well as how much today

Like a virgin, touched for the very same time
became
As virgin he interests throughout before the time

I want to sex you up
became
Desire for the ascent with sex

God save our gracious queen
became
Warehouse of the God our pleasant queen

Meeting you with a view to a kill
became
To come to the contact for the shutdowns of the attitude with the inoperative women

Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars
became
It directs with the moon and it trusts me to the game underneath stars

Hey big spender, spend a little time with me
became
Hé in distributing of the great piece, operations little hour with me

Hit me baby, one more time
became
Young Efectúeme, a plus time

Fun, fun, fun eh?

The long and short of it...

Giants and dwarfs must fear the 15th July.

If you're either very tall or very small I'd watch out what you do today.

On this day in 1883 the world's most famous dwarf, General Tom Thumb, shuffled off his mortal coil aged only 51.

Weirdly in 1940, also on today's date the world's tallest authenticated giant keeled over. Robert Pershing Wadlow was 8 feet 11.1 inches when he died at the age of 22.

Folk tunes everyone should know...

Ah the joy of the internet. On a random search I found these little ditties - all real folk song titles. So grab your guitar and tambourine and sing along. Why aren't these babies on iTunes?...

Do You Love As Good As You Look?

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-
bye

Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John
Was Breaking My Heart

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft

They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From
Breakin' Out

You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too

You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Thursday lunchtime time-waster

The Multibabel translates english phrases into foreign languages and then after five translations (English to French, to German, to Spannish etc) back to English with 'hilarious consequencies'

Have 'fun' with it at http://www.tashian.com/multibabel/

Can you also work out what the original song lyric was for these? Remember, kids, don't phone it's just for fun...

1. When I age the young person, young people as well as how much today

2. As virgin he interests throughout before the time

3. Desire for the ascent with sex

4. Warehouse of the God our pleasant queen

5. To come to the contact for the shutdowns of the attitude with the inoperative women

6. It directs with the moon and it trusts me to the game underneath stars

7. Hé in distributing of the great piece, operations little hour with me

8. Young Efectúeme, a plus time

See the party never stops on the Cavblog!!!

"I'm drinking my friend, to the end..."

“It’s quarter to three,” Old Blue Eyes sang, “and there’s no-one in the place, ‘cept you and me.” And haven’t we all been there Frank. A solitary barman wiping the last of the evening’s glasses as you sit there, in the wee-small hours, hat knocked back on your head, a glass of the hard stuff in your hand, watching the opaque smoke twisting from the cigarette burning between your fingers. And it’s all because of some broad, who breezed into your life and squeezed your heart ‘til it burst, has left you high and dry.
Actually, no. That’s the cool, romanticised Hollywood version. In reality you’ll be lying in a pool of bodily fluids as a bruiser called Brian prepares to introduce you to the pavement outside ‘The Rat and Duck’ after your twelvtieth pint of Waggledance.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. If you want to wallow in gloom and the company of a bottle then book a flight to Nanjing, China. Here you’ll find a bar dedicated to the broken hearted, where the beer and whisky is sold with a side order of tissues and menthol drops.

And the best news is that if you can’t get your tears to flow then the helpful bar-staff cab help you out with an onion or red pepper. To further induce a feeling of melancholy, depressing music is piped throughout the bar and if the red mist does fall you can beat any of the available dolls against the wall.
But tears aren’t free in China as it’ll set you back around three euros an hour, as well as the cost of the beer that you want to cry into.

Never has being broken hearted been so commercially cared for.