Valentine review
A horror clunker of the first order. Run for your lives...
Valentine
Tags
Remember that kid everyone ignored on Valentine’s Day? He remembers you.
This February, Hearts Don't Just Break. They Get Even
Roses are red, and so is blood. Candy is sweet, and so is revenge.
Director Jamie Blanks
Writer Donna Powers, Wayne Powers, Gretchen J. Berg, Aaron Harberts
Stars Denise Richards, David Boreanaz, Marley Shelton, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel, Shelley Fisher
Certificate 15
Year 2001
Dastardly Plot
Thirteen year's ago goofy-toothed nerd Jeremy is spurned by a number of pretty girls at a Valentine party before getting some tonsil -tonguing action from the class fatty. Yet, when even she turns on him and he is beaten to a pulp by the local jocks the poor lad’s sanity snaps.
Back to the present day and the group of girlies (remarkably all still living in the same town and still buddies) start to receive distinctly un-romantic Valentine cards before they begin to turn up at the morgue, each dispatched by a knife-wielding stalker in a Cupid mask. Well, they say the course of true love never runs smoothly…
Vicious Verdict
I expected nothing from Valentine and yet it still managed to disappoint. Maybe its because the characters are so two dimensional that you’d care more if one of the Mr Men received an axe to the back. It could also be that the death’s themselves induce yawns rather than shrieks. Or perhaps its because, once again, we have yet another Michael Myers clone walking very, very slowly towards his victims with a kitchen knife and murderous intentions in hand...
Nah, it’s because its complete crap from beginning to end.
We are treated to a hopeless gaggle of young actresses who seemed to have skipped the ‘how to act class’ in drama school, with the only real big name, Denise Richards, following in the long Hollywood tradition of appearing as a Bond girl and then disappearing into Z-movie hell. Well, at least she proves once and for all that she couldn’t act if you paid her to. Oh, they did didn’t they. Shame.
And then there’s David Boreanaz, fresh from his role as Angel in ‘Buffy’, who wanders through the film as if he’s stumbled onto the wrong sound stage. The rest of the cast are as forgettable as the laughably unoriginal death-scenes, which are repeatedly thrown away with little or no thought.
And the final death-knell for this car-accident of a thriller (and I use that word with lashings of irony) is that the true identity of the killer would be painfully obvious to a deranged monkey let alone an intelligent audience. Long before they reach the muddled and frankly ludicrous ending, you’ve given up caring and when the final so-called big twist meanders onto the screen you’ve no-doubt wandered off to do something more interesting – like counting the number of grains in the sugar bowl.
And to think it took four screenwriters to come up with this steaming pile of dingo’s kidneys. Pathetic.
Terrifying Trivia
* Working titles for the film included ‘Love Hurts’ and ‘Valentine’s Day’
* In an oh-so-hilarious scene Kat informs Dorothy that her boyfriend played by David Boreanaz is ‘no angel’ referring to his role of Angel in ‘Buffy, the Vampire Slayer’. This is, of course, is true as Angel is an interesting and engaging role which demands actual acting from Boreanaz, the complete opposite of his role in this movie.
*Continuity Cock-Up: When medical student, Shelly, is running for her life the knife in her hand disappears and reappears, even swapping hands at one point.
* David Boreanaz’s co-star Charisma Carpenter from ‘Angel’ appears in a blink-and-you-miss-it cameo at the party
Quaking Quotes
"You brought me upstairs to show me your penis? How sweet!"
"Oh, get your hands off me, you mail order bride from HELL! "
High Points
Paige’s comeuppance in the hot-tip is strangely rewarding (but that could be because it signals Denise Richard’s exit from the action), but you know you’re in trouble when a cast member having to wash her hair in the toilet bowl is a standout moment!
Low Points
Too many to mention although the mess of a climax will leave you wondering what they hell just happened for about five minutes before you realise life is too short for such rubbish.
Skulls out of five
NONE!
Valentine
Tags
Remember that kid everyone ignored on Valentine’s Day? He remembers you.
This February, Hearts Don't Just Break. They Get Even
Roses are red, and so is blood. Candy is sweet, and so is revenge.
Director Jamie Blanks
Writer Donna Powers, Wayne Powers, Gretchen J. Berg, Aaron Harberts
Stars Denise Richards, David Boreanaz, Marley Shelton, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel, Shelley Fisher
Certificate 15
Year 2001
Dastardly Plot
Thirteen year's ago goofy-toothed nerd Jeremy is spurned by a number of pretty girls at a Valentine party before getting some tonsil -tonguing action from the class fatty. Yet, when even she turns on him and he is beaten to a pulp by the local jocks the poor lad’s sanity snaps.
Back to the present day and the group of girlies (remarkably all still living in the same town and still buddies) start to receive distinctly un-romantic Valentine cards before they begin to turn up at the morgue, each dispatched by a knife-wielding stalker in a Cupid mask. Well, they say the course of true love never runs smoothly…
Vicious Verdict
I expected nothing from Valentine and yet it still managed to disappoint. Maybe its because the characters are so two dimensional that you’d care more if one of the Mr Men received an axe to the back. It could also be that the death’s themselves induce yawns rather than shrieks. Or perhaps its because, once again, we have yet another Michael Myers clone walking very, very slowly towards his victims with a kitchen knife and murderous intentions in hand...
Nah, it’s because its complete crap from beginning to end.
We are treated to a hopeless gaggle of young actresses who seemed to have skipped the ‘how to act class’ in drama school, with the only real big name, Denise Richards, following in the long Hollywood tradition of appearing as a Bond girl and then disappearing into Z-movie hell. Well, at least she proves once and for all that she couldn’t act if you paid her to. Oh, they did didn’t they. Shame.
And then there’s David Boreanaz, fresh from his role as Angel in ‘Buffy’, who wanders through the film as if he’s stumbled onto the wrong sound stage. The rest of the cast are as forgettable as the laughably unoriginal death-scenes, which are repeatedly thrown away with little or no thought.
And the final death-knell for this car-accident of a thriller (and I use that word with lashings of irony) is that the true identity of the killer would be painfully obvious to a deranged monkey let alone an intelligent audience. Long before they reach the muddled and frankly ludicrous ending, you’ve given up caring and when the final so-called big twist meanders onto the screen you’ve no-doubt wandered off to do something more interesting – like counting the number of grains in the sugar bowl.
And to think it took four screenwriters to come up with this steaming pile of dingo’s kidneys. Pathetic.
Terrifying Trivia
* Working titles for the film included ‘Love Hurts’ and ‘Valentine’s Day’
* In an oh-so-hilarious scene Kat informs Dorothy that her boyfriend played by David Boreanaz is ‘no angel’ referring to his role of Angel in ‘Buffy, the Vampire Slayer’. This is, of course, is true as Angel is an interesting and engaging role which demands actual acting from Boreanaz, the complete opposite of his role in this movie.
*Continuity Cock-Up: When medical student, Shelly, is running for her life the knife in her hand disappears and reappears, even swapping hands at one point.
* David Boreanaz’s co-star Charisma Carpenter from ‘Angel’ appears in a blink-and-you-miss-it cameo at the party
Quaking Quotes
"You brought me upstairs to show me your penis? How sweet!"
"Oh, get your hands off me, you mail order bride from HELL! "
High Points
Paige’s comeuppance in the hot-tip is strangely rewarding (but that could be because it signals Denise Richard’s exit from the action), but you know you’re in trouble when a cast member having to wash her hair in the toilet bowl is a standout moment!
Low Points
Too many to mention although the mess of a climax will leave you wondering what they hell just happened for about five minutes before you realise life is too short for such rubbish.
Skulls out of five
NONE!
posted by Cavan Scott at
1:14 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home