25 things that make you feel like a man

As I have been busier than a busy thing recently I haven't been posting but this arrived in my inbox this morning and tickled my fancy:

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN

1. OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ****ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad,
bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

25. CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

Celeb gone mad

And the famous-for-being-famous society we now live in grows another warped and mental limb.

Channel 5 have apparently offered the eternal waste of space that is Vanessa Feltz a job hosting a new TV show 'Cosmetic Surgery... Live' but only if the buxom blimp agrees to go under the knife. The idea is that she can only present the programme if she proves that she'd take the plunge herself.

The show, that is being screened every night for a fortnight in September will feature live footage of face-lifts, genital enhancements, botox injections, boob jobs and tummy-tucks. One to watch while having your fish-fingers for tea then!
A former Big Bro contestant who I'm glad I don't know has already agreed to have her breasts enlarged, talentless and annoying trannie Ricardo Ribeiro from the Salon is getting a bum-lift (I could give him one of those with the toe of my boot if he wants) and Jo Guest is apparently ready to have fish-lips all for the sake of getting back into the pages of heat.

This is ridiculous and proves that reality TV has just gone too far now. The entire premise sounds like a story from an old Judge Dredd comic strip, where the media was often satirised by taking the trends of the day to their most ridiculous of conclusions. But the problem is that this is no joke, it's real-life and the TV viewing masses will lap it up putting money into the pockets of jumped up individuals who have no goals in their life other than to hit the glossies and tabloids. Will these people be in the public eye because of talent or good work. No, they'll be there because a doctor's whipped open their tits, shoved in some silicon and stitched them back up again.

The future is doomed.

More bizarre laws

More bizarre laws from America, this time from Arizona:

In Tucson, it is illegal for women to wear trousers.

In Globe, it is illegal to play cards in the street with a Native American.

In Glendale, it is illegal to drive a car in reverse.

In Nogales, it is illegal to wear suspenders. (Now that's the most stupid law I've ever heard - unless it means guys of course!)

The Wedding feast OF DOOM!!!

And so here I am preparing for a wedding. Hopefully I won't have the problems that beset Eladio Baule of Manila in the Philippines on the day of his daughter's wedding.

The tale of woe went like this:

Mr Baule became angry with his cousin Benjie who accidently touched the brides backside.

Mr Baule gathers his son, nephew and another cousin, takes Benjie aside and stabs him to death.

Mr Baule roasted his body using coconut leaves and kerosene.

Mr Baule then served Benjie's flesh to the wedding guests.

Needless to say that Mr Baule is being charged with murder and cannibalism.

So, everyone at my wedding next year should beware - don't go near Clare's bottom or you could find yourself next to the sausages on sticks and quiche!

More Mad Laws

Here's some more mad laws from Uncle Sam.

2. Alaska

In Fairbanks, it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

Mad Laws No 1

Busy as a mad old thing at the mo, hence not a lot of updates, but I thought I'd share these mad, but true laws from the U.S of A

1. In Alabama:

It is illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

(That last one should be brought over here as well, causing leaves to fall on a line and therefore cause the train system to crawl to a halt should be hanged from the neck until dead!)

More Dalek Fun

So, part of the reason that Hancock's didn't want the BBC to use the Daleks in Doctor Who is that Auntie Beeb would devalue the Dalek brand eh?

So that's why they allowed the Sun to feature a gold Dalek on Page 3 with two cute topless girls hanging off it and a big 'Sun' sticker slapped on it's casing. That's not devaluing it at all is it?

Perhaps the first story will be called 'Irony of the Daleks'.

Am I the only person who thinks that the whole thing was just a big PR stunt. If it was, it certainly worked...

Not so exterminated!

Ha-haaaa. So the Daleks are returning to fight the good Doctor after all. Apparently after lengthy wranglings over the fate of the pepperpots with Hancocks, the folk that hold the rights for Terry Nation's evil-doers, the Beeb has reached an agreement and the children of Davros can return.

Phew!

Doctor Who without the Daleks scaring bears thinking about but there is a part of me that wonders if this was all a PR stunt. After all it did get the Sun campaigning to 'Save our Daleks'. Hmmm. Sounds suspect to me.

The naked saint

Spare a thought for St Basil the Blessed, who's Feast Day is celebrated today. This shoe-maker's apprentice used to run around naked as the day he was born giving goods from Moscow shops to give to the poor and needy. He snuffed it in 1552.

Now, while I respect his charitable nature surely there was no need to do it in the natural. For a starter, Moscow isn't known for its heat-waves. That couldn't have been good for his manhood!

Why people over 30 should be dead

Just got this in my inbox, made me chuckle so I thought I'd share it with you!

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets,
...and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!! Unthinkable!

We did not have PlayStation 2, GameCubes, Xboxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends!

We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents.No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, ! Nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

However did we survive?