Mighty world of... Zombies?!?!

Now, this has got me stupidly excited... A new mini-series from Marvel this December - Marvel Zombies!

"Torn from the pages of Ultimate Fantastic Four! On an Earth shockingly similar to the Marvel Universe's, an alien virus has mutated all of the world's greatest super heroes into flesh-eating monsters! It took them only hours to destroy life as we know it -- but what happens when they run out of humans to eat? Follow their search for more food‹and witness the arrival of the Silver Surfer."

A zombie Spider-Man? And what of the undead Hulk? Now that's gonna be messy! And from Robert Kirkman, the writer of the sublime Walking Dead. Wahoo! Can't wait to see what Zombie Bob has to say about it!

A moments silence...

It's a day of mourning here at the Cavblog as I report the passing of Frank, our little hamster.

He only had one good eye, he was a bit grumpy, he was going bald but he made us laugh.

We salute you Frank and we will miss you.

The Cuddly Toys from Hell!

Want to terrorise your god-daughter? Ensure your nephew never sleeps again? Well thanks to Carnivalia you now can!

Imagine their little faces as they settle down with the world's first conjoined twin cuddly title delightfully entitled 'I Will East You In Your Sleep.' Awww bless. As the website says 'This body bears four arms, three legs, two heads, and a fetching hump.'

If that doesn't ensure that they have nightmares then why not buy them a cuddly Bathomet? Yes, they can have a special little friend in the form of a goat-faced, demon from the pits of hades, complete with his own 'inverted pentagram that is often invoked as Baphomet's sigil'. Lovely. I bet when the Templar knights were being burnt alive at the stake for worshipping this bad boy they would never have thought he would be rubbing shoulders with Barbie and a Teletubby!

And there were people thinking that a 'Stitch' doll was scary!

Land of the Dead

And to celebrate the return of Romero in Land of the Dead we have a special guest reviewer in the form of Zombie Bob, our very own rotting writer. Give him a good hand (but don't let him nibble on you!)...

Ruarggghhhh. Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Muarrrrrgh. Ruaaaaaaaaagggg. Urgggggggggggggg. Highly inventive gore. Rahhhhhhhhhhhh. Muargaghhhhhhhhhhh. Uggg. Uggg. Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggg. A reason not to have your belly button pierced. Muarrrrrrrrgh. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. Deep throat zombie action. ssssssssssssssssssssssss. Murrrrrrrrrragggggggggghhhhhhhhhh. Random lesbians kissing for no reason at all. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Muraaaaaaaaaaaaagh, Headless Vicar. Garrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgg. Ruaaaaaaaaagggg. Clown Zombie. Ruarggghhhh. Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Muarrrrrgh. Bwarghhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Loved it. Guuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrr. Muargaghhhhhhhhhhh. Braaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiins....

Thank you Bob. Very Informative!

The Joker pulls a Boner!

Now I realise that Gotham city is a den of iniquity and I'd been putting Robin's Butt Munching down to a freak crime-fighting slip-up but is there any need for such a blatant report in the Gotham City Bulletin? If the Clown Prince of Crime is getting up to that kind of thing then do we really need to know about it? That's modern day press for you!

The Wolf-Man of Metropolis

As Werewolf Month draws to a close I found this little gem of a Jimmy Olsen cover on the net.

Now, Jimmy, it not your face the girls are fleeing from, its the fact that they've caught you trying on their red nail-varnish!

If he had stuck wolfed-out would he have become Superman's Pal with Marrowbone?

Afterlife Episode One

Just watched the first episode of ITV's new supernatural series, Afterlife starring the superb Leslie Sharp and Andrew Lincoln. Spooky stuff and set in Bristol, how could I miss it.

Luckily I wasn't disappointed. By the looks of it the series is going to avoid shock-tactics and try and be genuinely disturbing. I certainly wasn't expecting the twist ending of Veronica's story although the final scene was signposted nice and early but still managed to turn my skin to gooseflesh.

A good start and put me in a undead mood for tomorrow nights trip to the cinema to see Land of the Dead...

Holy Butt-Munch Batman!

Erm... what exactly is Robin doing to this hoodlum?

I think we should definately question the type of training that goes on down in the Batcave...

Bid now for the 'Creepy Insane Evil Wicked Haunted Clown'

Forget buying old toys or comics on Ebay. The latest fad is selling haunted items.

I'd read about it in the Fortean Times this month and then the spooky guys over at The Mystery of the Haunted Vampire posted a link to the following auction. You too can be the owner of a 'Creepy Insane Evil Wicked Haunted Clown.'


At the point of posting the demonic toy was going for $10.50 and should be avoided by anyone suffering with Coulrophobia.

And it would appear that the Creepy Coco isn't the only eerie auction found at ebay. The most infamous one of late is the haunted Disney Stitch Cuddly Toy auctioned by Garbageguy2. This story is a work of genius. After a trip to Disneyland to buy a load of Lilo & Stitch toys he stops off at a dingy restaurant and finds another Stitch toy which he buys for his fiancee.

Nothing odd there. Until the following stuff starts happening:

They wake up each morning to find all the other cuddly toys stored on their TV stand scattered all over the floor except for the restaurant-bought Stitch sitting there defiantly all on its own.

Freaked, the Garbageguy2 throws the toy away and it trundles off in the garbage truck only to reappear on the toy shelf later that day even though all the doors in the house had been locked. Wooooo! Spooky!

So they take it to a landfill site and bury it. Nothing is heard for three weeks until they find their dog, unconscious in the garden. The Stitch toy is laying beside his body.

No more mr nice guy then. They try to burn it, but it won't light. They pour lighter fluid over it but it absorbs the fluid, remaining dry.

Getting frantic now, they cut it into six pieces and dump it outside. The next morning it is back on the shelf, mysterious restored to its pre-scissor frenzy condition.

Not sure what to do next they leave it in a charity store. It appears on their front doorstep two days later.

And so, terrified out of their wits they do the only rational thing when you're being stalked by a possessed cuddly toy - they pop it up on Ebay and sell it for $212.

My favourite line on the item description? "We also cannot guarantee that the item will stay with you after you have received it. If it stays as persistent as it has previously, it may try to get back to us. I will not be putting a return address on the package, as if when you realize that the item is evil, as I'm sure you will, I do not want you sending it back to us. It will become your responsibility as soon as it enters your possession."

So we must pity the poor soul who has purchased such an evil and demonic cuddly toy. Because their life is about to be turned upside down? No, because they've just shelled out over 200 bucks on such an obvious hoax. Madness.

Now if you'll excuse me I need a holiday and so I'm off to try and sell the haunted Uncle Bulgaria doll that is sitting on our kitchen shelves. I'm sure it's been looking at me funny...

Wit & Wisdom of The Shat 1!

Curse of the Werewolf

Another review from The Region One DVD 'Hammer Horror Series' and one I was very excited on seeing as I have to admit to my shame I've never seen it before -

The Curse of the Werewolf

Tags
'He fought the hideous curse of his evil birth, but his ravished victims were proof that the cravings of his beast-blood demanded he kill... Kill... KILL!'

'He had but one body - yet lived with two souls!'

'Half-man... Half-wolf'

'Even the innocent girl who loved him was not safe... once the full moon rose!'

Director Terence Fisher
Writer Guy Endore (novel), Anthony Hinds (screenplay)


Stars Clifford Evans (Don Alfredo Corledo), Oliver Reed (Leon Corledo), Yvonne Romain (Jailer's Daughter), Catherine Feller (Cristina Fernando), Anthony Dawson (Marques Siniestro) Richard Wordsworth (Beggar)

Certificate X
Year 1961

Dastardly Plot
An old beggar stumbles on the wedding of the local Marques and his buxom wife (well, this is a Hammer film) After the rotter makes the hobo dance for his supper he promptly chucks him in jail. Years later, the beggar's been left to rot, cared only by the jailer's mute but (obviously) buxom daughter. He's not alone for long though as, after the daughter resisted the Marques advances she's also thrown in the clink where, to thank her for her years of kindness the beggar rapes her. On being released from behind bars she takes no time in stabbing the Marques and running off, only to nearly drown in the local lake. Found by Don Corledo she promptly has a baby and shuffles off this mortal coil to leave her cursed son in Corledo's hands.
(Have you worked out this isn't a happy film yet?)
After a trouble childhood of worrying sheep and therefore worrying his parents even more, young Leon grows up to be the spitting image of Olly Reed and promptly falls in love with a surprisingly not so buxom lass in all of 23 seconds. But can their love survive the fact that he gets a bit hairy when the moon is full?
Probably not...

Vicious Verdict
Let's make no bones about it - Curse of the Werewolf is one grim movie. Don't be expecting much in the way of comic relief here. The, slightly overlong, introduction to Leon's parentage reveals a succession of characters that are mad, bad or scuicidal. Then as poor Leon enters manhood the curse weighs heavy on every scene with the wolfy-one murdering left, right and centre and then torturing himself in the aftermath.

Unfortunately, for all its pathos, the film hardly rarely raises the interest levels. There are plenty of original ideas, such as the fact that the lyncanthropy is a result of a curse from heaven for an unwanted baby being born on Christmas day rather than the traditional bite, but these are lost in the general tedium of the affair.

And you have to wonder why Fisher decided to wait so long to finally reveal the werewolf itself. The iconic make-up only goes under the moonlight in the last ten minutes or so, wasting the monster in a pointless romp around spanishesque buildings in an obvious case of padding. Yes, the reason was probably so that the film examined a man wrestling with his internal demons and struggling with an unescapable fate, but at the end of the day this is a Hammer monster movie and the people would have flocked to the cinema to see the monster itself. It's a little too little too late.

No-wonder the box-office results didn't prompt Hammer to go down the werewolf route again.

Terrifying Trivia

• The film is based on Guy Endore's 1944 novel, The Werewolf of Paris which was originally optioned by Universal who later subcontracted it to Hammer. The company had been working on The Inquisitor, a project concerning the Spanish Inquisition but had taken the decision to drop the production after threats of condemnation by the Catholic Church. However, to at least salvage the expensive sets, the werewolf was transfered from France to a decidenly Kent-like Spain.



• In one of the earlier drafts the beggar was also a werewolf but the censor decided that sex plus supernatural equaled one step too far.
  

Quaking Quotes
"A werewolf is a body where a soul and a spirit are constantly at war. Whatever weakens the human spirit, this brings the spirit of the werewolf to the fore. And whatever weakens the spirit of the beast… warmth, fellowship, love… raises the spirit of the soul…"

High Points
The child with unnaturally hairy arms, the baptism's 'rejection' of the cursed child, the iconic werewolf (don't say Wolfman if you don't want to be sued) make-up.

Low Points
The fact that our anti-hero isn't exactly known for his charm and yet manages to form a deep and meaningful relationship in less time that it would take Casanova to tie his shoe-laces. Hasn't he heard that being too keen can scare aware a woman?

Skulls out of Five

Young Bond

According to Paul Haggis, the script-writer for the new Bond movie, "We're trying to reinvent Bond. He's 28 - no Q, no gadgets."

No fans?

What's the point...

Night of the living cross-stitchers

My Mum loves cross-stitching. She even cross-stitched herself a certificate to say she was mad about cross-stitching.

I'm wondering if she could top this. Coming Mondo Schlocko via Bubblegumfink a cross-stitched poster of the Lucio Fulci's ZOMBIE poster. Now, I can't see that given away as a freebie on the front of Future's Quick and Easy Cross-stitch!

Or perhaps they'd go for this nicely stitched Grim Reaper from here

The Exorcist with bunnies

To continue our Exorcism theme how about watching the Exorcist retold in 30 seconds using cute little bunnies! Awwww. bless...

And not a picture of Keira to be seen...

Exorcist Convention

Just saw this on Reuters:

'At the end of his weekly general audience on Wednesday Pope Benedict greeted Italian exorcists who, he disclosed, are currently having their national convention, presumably in Rome.
The Pope encouraged them to "carry on their important work in the service of the Church."
Problem was, that until the Pope spoke, few people outside the inner circle knew that a convention of Beelzebub busters was going on, presumably in Rome.
And where are they holding it? A church, a hotel, a graveyard?
"They try to keep these things quiet," said a Catholic professor who has dealings with exorcists.'

What a fascinating idea! Can you imagine what its like at an exorcism convention? Are there glamour-gals handing out free crucifixes with novelty pen attachments? Is there a lonely guy trying to pitch his innotative holy-water dispenser with built in pedometre? Do they have live demon-strations where Linda Blair is repeatedly cleansed? Are there complementary projectile vomit shields? Is there a dinner and dance in the evening where the cardinals can let their cassocks down?

These are questions that need to be answered!

More Pirate nonsense

As the sun be setting on Speak Like a Pirate Day, 'ere be some pirate jokes funny enough to shiver yer timbers...

• Which Star Wars character is really a pirate?
  AARRRRGGH-2 D-2!



• what kind of socks does a pirate wear?
  ARRRRRgyle!



• Why did the Irish DVD rental shop refuse shipment of the Pirates of the Caribbean movie?
  Because the police had told them not to accept pirate DVDs!

And ye guessed it - that last joke is only there as another excuse to post a picture of Kiera Knightly. She could walk me plank any day, Jim lad...

Adopt-a-pirate

In honour of it being Speak Like a Pirate Day, the Cavblog is please to support another great scheme to protect our world. Like a Save the Werewolves, the salty dog sanctuary of Pirate World in the village of ‘Clunge-on-Water’, Dorset is a fine and worthy cause and one that we feel all readers of the Cavblog should support.


We talked to Emily Stoatwarbler of Pirate World about this new venture. “For too long the plight of the pirate has been ignored by the general public. Once these proud creatures were the scourge of the seven seas but now they are reduced to figures of fun, made to hobble around children’s theme-parks with a stuffed parrot on their shoulder and being forced to pose with screaming, snotty brats.

“The level of abuse for pirates in the captivity is quite shocking and it is no-wonder that their numbers are dwindling in the wild. The worst example we found was at the Treasure Island hotel in Las Vegas. Here I was appalled to find that pirates were forced to perform like monkeys for holiday-makers every night of the week. It is unforgivable. We have now managed to save at least five of these pirate performers from the clutches of these cruel exploiters.

“Here at Pirates World we rescue pirates wherever we find them and rehouse them our 65 acres of sanctuary. We currently have over 150 pirates in our care. Our enclosures offer them space to pillage and rape and feature recreations of their own environment.”

To ensure that the pirates don’t become too tame the keepers hide doubloons and rum throughout the enclosures, so that the pirates have to find their booty themselves, although Ms Stoatwarbler admits that they do help them along by marking the spots with numerous X’s. “It’ll take a while for the pirates to regain their natural Buccaneering abilities so we feel a little assistance doesn’t hurt anyone.”

To help finance the sanctuary Pirate World offers the public the chance to ‘adopt’ a Pirate. For just £25 individuals receive a photograph of their chosen swashbuckler, a certificate and regular updates.

To get involved, the Cavblog has adopted Henry Morgan, who began his pirating career in 1655 but was recently found entertaining a kid’s club in Butlin’s, Skegness. Before this indignanty, Morgan was best known for his sacking of Porto Bello, where he used captured catholic priests and nuns to shield his crew as they climbed the walls of the fort. The city fell to him along with 250,000 pieces of eight, and 300 slaves. Today Morgan can be seen at Pirate World in the ‘Davy Jones Locker’ enclosure. He’s a shy little fella but always comes out at feeding time.

Look how cute he is… Bless.

Yo-ho-ho-ho, a pirates life for me...

Right then ye Scurvy Dogs it's Talk Like a Pirate Day, so break out the grog, get yerself over to Yarr.org.uk, strap on the ol' eye-patch and find yerself some swag.

In the meantime 'ere's a picture of that loveliest o' pirate's lasses Keira Knightly, which should be enough to raise yer jolly roger. Is that a cutlass in yer pocket or are ye just pleased to see 'er?

Get an autographed copy of The Undead

If you love Zombies as much as I do (although my wife has told me I have to stop bringing them home) then you can pre-order a new anthology stuffed with groaning, wheezing weapons of mass destruction. What's more, The Undead also features a short-story from yours truly.

If you get in quick with a pre-order you'll even receive 10% off (bargain) and the first 100 pre-order copies will include a bookplate signed by 3 contributing authors.

However, none of these signitures will be mine so as a special offer to Cavblog readers, if you mail me at the usual email address I will sent you a scanned copy of my autograph which you can cut out and stick in your book. A collectors item in the making. Go on, buy The Undead today!!!

Mobile thief gets a bum deal...

A bizarre, but true story for Friday lunch-time...

According to Annanova this week, a 24 year old Romanian lass was pulled over by the fuzz (painful that) after passengers on her bus saw her pilfering a mobile phone. They searched Petronela Brandus but couldn't find the hot mobile and no wonder. When they gave it a call to see where it was all they could hear was a muffled tune from beneath the girl's frock. Further examination back at the station found that she'd hidden her loot up her bum!

Brings a whole new meaning to RING tone...

The Lessons of Humpty Dumpty

Was the reason that All The Kings Horses had so much trouble putting Humpty Dumpty together again that they let All the King's Horses have a go first? Broken eggshells and hoofs don't go well together you know. Humpty never had a chance.

Also, how did Humpty get up on the wall in the first place? What was he doing up there? Who was he trying to impress? Perhaps he was trying to get a bit of action with Little Miss Muffet's Tuffet by proving what a big, brave egg he was?

Let that be a lesson to you boys and girls...

A very good year...

The actor Clive Merrison has been asked by the Guardian today on what he wished he'd known 39 years ago when he was 21:

I wish I had known there is a cruel God who stuffs hair from your head up your nose.

So what do you wish you'd known when you were 21?

Personally, I wish someone had told me that :

Having a massive picture of William Shatner on your wall is probably the reason why your love-life sucked...

XS Pour Homme smells like the inside of a tramp's jock-strap (and there was no need to wear THAT MUCH!)

Tinned Macaroni Cheese on toast was not an ideal meal 5 times a week...

Jet from Gladiators really wasn't all that!

<-- The man responsible for Cav Scott not getting any in 1994

Save the Werewolves

In a tip of the hat to Groovy Age of Horror* the Cavblog is happy to launch a brand new campaign - Save the Werewolves.

How many times have we heard this story? Parents bring home their children a rabid creature from the darkest pit of hell for a special Halloween treat. They think it's all cute at first, the hideous mutations, the mountains of bloody corpses, the way it wakes up the next day naked and confused in the local zoo, its eyebrows meeting in the middle....

And then, as November rolls on, the novelty wears off. Soon the werewolf finds itself abandoned, with hundreds in danger every year of being drowned in the local brook or, worse of all, finding themselves at the wrong end of a silver bullet.

If we're not careful, our grandchildren will only experience werewolves in captivity. No danger of them being ravished by one if they wander off the path and then being forced to go home with a fit nurse with a fondness for showers - when they're not being plagued by the endless, recurring nightmares of nazi zombies hiding behind their curtains of course. No more innocent souls tormented by their inner demon and doomed to end their days being hunted down and shot like a wild animal.

Is that the kind of world you want them to live in?

So, when you consider bringing home a changeling for this 31st October remember that a Lyncanthope is for life, not just for Halloween...

This campaign could change our world for the better and ensure that the curse of the lonely werewolf will continue throughout this century and being. Please consider signing up and pledging your support and watch this space for the wallpapers, button badges and campaign t-shirts...

Together we can Save the Werewolves



* An interesting fact learnt from Groovy Age of Horror when werewolves are, ahem, having relations with young, blonde birds they apparently make the noise 'Gneaaarr!' So taken with this phrase I am attempting to throw it into at least one conversation a day. I urge you to do so too...

Night of the Living Womble

Sometimes I worry that my job is getting to me...

Had a nightmare that I was being chased through the claustrophobic and gloomy Womble burrow by a rabid Great Uncle Bulgaria. It sounds funny but was absolutely terrifying! It ended with me pressing against the wall, the soil rough against my back, in pitch darkness as Bulgaria sniffed around for me - all while singing the Wombles theme off-key.

Heaven knows what he would have done to me if he'd caught me...

I certainly regarded the cuddly womble in our kitchen with suspicion this morning.

New Guardian

And so the Berliner Guardian has arrived and at 9.45 am on the 12/09/05 it passes the most important test. It's easier to read on the loo than the old broadsheet.

Hurrah - more intelligent toilet breaks from now on...

Dear Vlad

Things you will never see in newspapers # 1:

Vlad the Impaler stands in for the Sun's agony aunt Dear Deidre...

Dear Vlad, I have been in a good relationship for three years but have recently found out that boyfield has been cheating on me what should I do?

You poor baby. He's obviously a rotter. I would suggest that you insert a sharpened pole through, say, his side or rectum, you can then plant your cheating pig of a boyfriend as a washing line pole in the back garden.

Of course if you really want him to suffer you can insert the stake so that it avoids immediate death and will function as a plug to prevent extreme blood loss. his agony will be prolonged for many hours.

For more help phone my HOW TO IMPALE YOUR CHEATING PARTNER helpline.

I played a practical joke on my boyfriend to prove that looks are only skin deep. But now it’s backfired and I’m scared it will end our relationship. 

It started when I was teasing him about how he hates ginger hair. When he was away one weekend I dyed my hair red. 

I thought he’d see the funny side but he was furious. He said he’d be embarrassed to go out with me and I should dye my hair back. But I feel the truth came out that night. I am still ginger and want him to prove he loves me for who I am, not how I look. Am I being over-sensitive? 


No, of course you're not being over-sensitive. Why not teach him that he shoudn't be so shallow by nailing a red wig to his head? I'm sure he'll be more sensitive after that. If all else fails, you can always impale him...

For more help phone my HANGING YOUR INSENSITIVE LOVER FROM A RUSTY SPEAR helpline.

Dear Vlad, My flatmate has bought a gerbil. I can't stand small furry animals. What should I do...

Have you tried impaling the little fella?

Brilliant Blogs that I visit and so should you # 1

Some new links popping up on my sidebar so I feel I sould be a good host and introduce them.

First up is Glitter For Brains by Lee Binding, the lovely chap who did the brilliant cover for Project: Lazarus. Camp as Christmas, smutty as hell and very, very witty. And so is his blog...

I, of course, should try to sign off with a hilarious remark to prove I am as funny as Mr Binding but I can't think of anything and so shall instead post a picture of Squirrels with Lightsabers...

Why practical jokes and werewolf don't mix...

Thinking of pulling a little practical joke on a copper? Then learn from this story from the Canyon Courier and think ahead...

"When the two Denver police officers rounded the corner on their early morning patrol at Red Rocks, they realized they had a savage killing on their hands.

They didn’t have a body. But what they did have — a woman’s slip, bra and panties, all blood-stained and ripped to shreds — was enough for them to send out the highest of alarms over their radio. And then there were the tracks in the mud. Something — part man, part beast — had obviously attacked the woman."

Read On...

Poor old Tinman

These two photos sum up unhappy times for Bristol City...





I feel sorry for Tins. I really do. 12 years and a legend at the club and now look at what state we're in. The guy just wasn't ready to manage (he says talking about him as if he'd alway resigned - which is what I'm expecting). What a way to end his time at Ashton Gate though...

Cyborg Cav

Get your own cyborg name here...

Captain Superb

A new 'comedy' superhero blog has arrived on the scene. Not sure if it's actually funny or not but you can make your own mind up here...

Brides of Dracula

Bargain of the year - The Region One DVD 'Hammer Horror Series' only £15.99 from Play.com. That's 6 classic (ok some more classic than others) Hammer films on two discs. Couldn't resist it.

Aiming to watch all six in order over the next few weeks. First up comes Brides of Dracula (Time to break out my old horror review template)...

Brides of Dracula

Tags
'The Most Evil Dracula of All'

'He feeds his unearthly desires on youth and beauty... As he turns a girls' school into a Chamber of Horrors!'

Director Terence Fisher
Writer Jimmy Sangster, Peter Bryan and Edward Percy

Stars Peter Cushing (Doctor Van Helsing) Martita Hunt (Baroness Meinster) Yvonne Monlaur (Marianne) Freda Jackson (Greta) David Peel (Baron Meinster)


Certificate X
Year 1960

Dastardly Plot
Old Drac is dead but his vampires still haunt Transylvania (no wonder they can never get tourists). However this doesn't stop French school-teacher Marianne Danielle from taking a position at a Transylvanian girl's school (yup, clever career move there girlie.) Of course, this being Transylvania before you know it her pesky coachman's done a bunk leaving her no choice but to take shelter at the nearest spooky castle, the guest of an even creepier Baroness. But why does the Baroness keep her son, who every one believes is dead, chained up in the castle? And will Marianne be stupid enough to fall for his charms and his bizarre hair and free him?
Well, what do you think? Thanks heavens Dr Van Helsing has been called in for a spot of vampire-busting. Well, who else are you going to call?

Vicious Verdict
OK, first of all it has to be said that the title is ever so misleading. Dracula doesn't appear in this film. Yup, he's mentioned repeatedly but at this point in Hammer's history Christopher Lee's bloodsucker was definately out for the count.

Bizarelly this fatal flaw in its marketing doesn't hurt the film at all. Quite the opposite in fact. You've got no time to miss old fang-features as the spell of the Brides washes over you. In fact, I would say (and this is where I commit heresy) that this is actually a better film.

First up, it's genuially creepy at points. The Baroness herself sets the skin crawling far more than Christopher Lee's slightly wooden performance in Dracula (whoops, there goes that heresy again) and the idea of padlocks just dropping off a victims coffin is actually more unnerving than it deserves to be. And the cackling, insane Greta calling through the fresh earth, talking a newly-vamped member of the undead how to claw out of the grave is wonderfully disturbing.

Then there's the pathos of new vamp on the block, Baron Meinster's mother plea for Van Helsing to put her out of her misery and the shocking extent of the Baron's vengeance on old Helsing (Did anyone actually see that coming when they first watched the film?). OK, so the resolution of Van Helsing's fate makes no sense but at least it makes no sense with plenty of shocks and winces. Yes, the blood may be redder than ketchup but the violence is gritty and looks like it would hurt.

As with many of the Hammer classics the plot is a little on the thin side and full of holes (for example, if the Baron can transform into a highly-unconvincing bat why couldn't he do this to escape his mother's chains?) but the shortcomings can be forgiven for the sheer style of the piece.


Terrifying Trivia

• The pressbook for the film offered the following advice for cinema managers - " Make sure that at all performamces of The Brides of Dracula you have nurses or St John's men prominently patrolling your theatre. Rig up a First-Aid Station near the entrance fully stocked with smelling salts, aspirin and sal volatile..."



• The original script was entitled 'Dracula and the Damned. '
  



• The climax of the film was originally have the baron destroyed by a swarm of bats. This was abandoned as too expensive but would be recycled three years later for the climax of Kiss of the Vampire

High Points
Greta and the ‘birth’ of a new vampire by the grave, the Baron’s revenge on Van Helsing and the good Doctor’s brave return from the brink of death, the gruesome makeup after Van Helsing gives the Baron a little facewash with holy water.

Low Points
Unconvincing villagers, even more unconvincing bats, the ‘Brides’ bizarre foundation – do the undead forget how to apply make-up?

Skulls out of Five

Jetix 13 Official Plug

The latest issue of Jetix is doing remarkably well - hurrah - with our best cover yet! Episodes of Hulk and Fantastic Four on the DVD and oodles of fun stuff. As always if you have kids buy it for them, or if you just like kid's stuff, buy it for yourself...

Things are going ever so well with Zap and Muffin the Mule Mag as well, with some new titles in the wings for next year. Going to be busy to say the least...

Adam, Eve and the Dinosaurs...

A story on the LA Times website caught my eye today. Near Palm Springs a massive 45-foot-high concrete Apatosaurus and a T-Rex tower over Interstate 10. It'’s been a tourist trap for many a year but now Dinny the roadside dinosaur has found religion.



He'’s been bought by 'Answers in Genesis', a Christian fundamentalist group and is being used to 'prove' that dinosaurs arrived on Earth the same day as Adam and Eve and were later marched two by two onto Noah’'s Ark. According to their theory the likes of the T-Rex were vegetarians that roamed the Garden of Eden until Eve tempted Adam with the apple and they were transformed into vicious carnivores as a result of Original Sin. And even though a couple of baby dinosaurs were rounded up by Noah, the great flood wiped out the rest of the dinosaurs and scattered their bones all over the planet.

They also claim that the dinosaurs from the ark tried to repopulate the world but couldn’'t cut the mustard but they did inspire such stories as St George and the Dragon.

"We're putting evolutionists on notice: We're taking the dinosaurs back," said Ken Ham, president of 'Answers in Genesis', "They're used to teach people that there's no God, and they're used to brainwash people. Evolutionists get very upset when we use dinosaurs. That's their star." No, I think they get upset when loons start spouting nonsense my friend.

My favourite quote about the story comes from Kevin Padian, curator at the University of California Museum of Paleontology in Berkeley "Dinosaurs lived in the Garden of Eden, and Noah's Ark? Give me a break. For them, 'The Flintstones' is a documentary."

Not much to say about that one really. I think it speaks for itself. Although I can’t remember seeing a pair of velociraptors in my Noah'’s Ark set at Nursery…