The CavBlog

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Batman Vs Dracula


One of the guilty pleasures of being off sick is that you can sit around watching rubbish TV so I was more than happy when my Batman Vs Dracula DVD turned up. Must admit it's better than I thought. The vampires are scarier than I would expect and there's plenty of blood (gallons of it in one particular scene with a vamped-up Joker) but still worth a watch.
Best of all are the little figures that come in the box-set. More rubbish to clutter up the house with. Huzzah!


Read more...

Plug: The End is Nigh 2


Feeling sorry for myself with the mother-of-all-colds today but have been cheered up with the arrival of my contributors copy of The End is Nigh, the official magazine of the apocalypse. Issue Two is themed around War and features a fantastic Alan Moore interview.

It also features my own 50 things to do in the last 7 minutes including no. 14: Kick a police-man to see what happens and no. 25: Quickly book into a hotel, run upstairs and throw the TV out of the window. To find out the remaining 48 things you'll have to buy an issue won't you! Go get 100 pages of apocalyptic fun...


Read more...

Bruce


At last - You can recreate the Game of Death in your own home with the Bruce Lee Paper Doll. Enjoy and remember, as the man said himself, "Man, the living creature, the creating individual, is always more important than any established style or system."


Read more...

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Fa-la-la-la-rankenstein!


Just what every Christmas tree needs - a bauble featuring the face of Boris Karloff's Frankenstein.

How festive...


Read more...

Santa & Me


Thanks to Curt I've discovered a fab Christmas blog Santa & Me! Very cute! I don't think I've got a picture of myself as a child but in the spirit of the blog here's a pic of my god-daughters, Lauren and Emily meeting a fab Father Christmas at the weekend. We were all very impressed with his beard! Very realistic Mr Kringle!


Read more...

Monday, November 28, 2005

Naughty Daleks


The Sun reports that the BBC have banned a porn film that features the evil pepperpots of Skaro. Abducted By The Daleks has the Daleks watching a young trio of girls who share the love that knows no name, joining in every now and then with a wandering plunger.

My favourite part of the report is the quote from 'life-long fan' Colin Brown, 44, who said: “It’s outrageous to think of them touching up naked women — Daleks just don’t behave like that."

How does Mr Brown know that? How does he know what the Daleks get up to in their spare time? How does he know what they do when they need a break from all the genetic experimentation, invasion or of cause, the daily grind of Extermination? And now, with this documentary banned we may never know...


Read more...

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Lego Who


Another week has slipped by with no posts - I just haven't got enough time at the moment.

Of course if I did have time I would be making Doctor Who themed Lego models! Absolute genius - even if the hair on the 6th Doctor is a little scary!


Read more...

Sunday, November 20, 2005

The Guardians: The Curse of Rathlaw


After enjoying The Vampire of Finistere so much I tracked down another in the Guardian's series, 'The Curse of Rathlaw'. Another cracking tale with no airs and graces. In many ways these novels remind me of the old Target Doctor Who novelisations. They're obviously about the right page count, but it's also the tone and pace. There's no attempt in them to be clever, no wish to impress, just to tell a damn good, rip-roaring story.
In this one, a Scottish laird is cursed by a local hermit and contacts the Guardians as he believes that his only son is doomed. Along the way we get a spooky child-wizard, dwarf and a full blown murderous witches coven. I can't believe that no-one ever picked up the rights to produce movies of these novels. They actually read as novelisations at times and you can imagine the set-pieces one after another. It wouldn't be too difficult to imagine a series of Amicus series of films based on these novels - Amicus presents: The Curse of Rathlaw starring Ian Ogilvy as Steven Kane, Jane Seymour as Anne Ashby and Christopher Lee as Cosmo Trayle...

It would also be great to resurrect this series but as I've been talking about with Curt at Groovy Age of Horror the rights issue could be a bit of a nightmare, espiecially as Peter Saxon was a pen-name and no-one really knows who actually wrote these stories. Saying that, if I understand English Law you can't copyright characters only specific text... Hmmmmm....


Read more...

Kiss of the Vampire

I keep dipping into The Region One DVD 'Hammer Horror Series' and loving every minute of it…

Kiss of the Vampire

Tags
‘Giant devil bats… summoned from the caves of hell to destroy the lust of the vampires! He used his evil science to breed a race of the living dead!'

Director Don Sharpe
Writer Anthony Hinds

Stars Edward de Souza (Gerald Harcourt), Jennifer Daniel (Marianne Harcourt), Clifford Evans (Professor Zimmer), Noel Willman (Dr Ravna), Barry Warren (Carl Ravna), Jacqui Wallis (Sabena), Isobel Black (Tania), Peter Maddern (Bruno), Noel Howlett (Father Xavier)

Certificate X
Year 1962

Dastardly Plot
Having never seen a Hammer film before, a young honeymooning couple accept an invitation to dinner at the spooky and ominous castle when their car breaks down in Bavaria. But are they aware that their charming new friends are only trying to lure them into joining their infernal, vampire cult?
What do you think?

Vicious Verdict
OK I have to admit it – This is one of my favourite Hammer movies. There’s no Lee or Cushing so I’m sure some might think that a little heretical but the absence of the usual stars meant the studio had to work a little harder to pull in the crowds and it shows.
Ironically for a movie set in the early 20th century Kiss of the Vampire manages to out Gothic most of Hammer’s output. We get a strong turn from Edward de Souza who gets a chance to move beyond his yawn-by-numbers performance in the Phantom of the Opera and actually try some of this acting lark, while Clifford Evans steals the show as the local vampire hunter. And don’t be thinking that Zimmer is a cut-price Van Helsing either. This isn’t Cushing’s whiter than white gentleman but a religious man torn apart from grief who may be wise and knows the odd anti-nosfuratu spell but also someone who looses himself in the bottom of a glass at times.
In fact, strange though it may be to say it, there is a strong sense of realism here. The vampires, while undoubtedly supernatural in origin, are no stronger than their human victims, can be dispatched easily (as shown by the vampire butler’s unfortunate demise beneath a polystyrene obelisk) and squabble like a women’s institute meeting at their coven meetings.
Sure it’s a bit creaky at points and the effects are wobbly at best (what do you expect from Hammer anyway?) but there is real brilliance and innovation here. Sit back and drink deeply. You won’t regret it.

Terrifying Trivia

  • Isobel Black, who plays Tania, popped into a local restaurant for lunch after her morning shoot but the silly thing forget to take her fangs out first. The waiter, obviously the local wag, told her “our steaks aren’t that tough!” Oh, how they must have laughed.

  • The Brides of Dracula was originally going to end with the marauding hordes of vampire bats seen here but a tight budget soon saw off that idea. Obviously by the time of Kiss of the Vampire they’d managed to rustle up the pennies to make the batty nightmare a reality.



Quaking Quotes
“When the devil attacks a man or woman with this foul disease of the vampire the unfortunate human being can do one of two things. Either he can seek God through the church and pray for absolution or he can persuade himself that his filthy perversion is some kind of new and wonderful experience to be shared by the favoured few. Then he tries to persuade others to join his new cult.”

High Points
The dreamy slow-mo as the vampire bite is burnt out of Zimmer’s wrist, Gerald using his own blood to paint a crucifix in order to hold back the undead and of course the shock opening with the gushing coffin.

Low Points
Well I suppose, begrudgingly it has to be the rubber bats on strings I suppose. Nice idea, shame about the budget (although the vamp who gets his suffocated by a bat in the chops scared the Bela Lugosis out of the me when I was a kid)

Skulls out of Five


Read more...

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Who's nicked Morrissey's hair...


LONDON, United Kingdom (Reutahs) - Police are investigating claims that new Doctor Who has stolen mournful wailer Morrissey's hair. The tenth incarnation of the Time Lord made his debut last night sporting the kind of hairstyle that is only possible with the help of 17 pots of hair-gel or an electric current being passed through one's gonads.

Doctor Who couldn't comment due to being in the midst of a post-regenerative crises but friend's close to the former Smith's frontman claim that he is beside himself. "Morrissey has been distraught since he woke up on tuesday and found that someone had nicked his Irish." said Maureen Piggywobbler (80), a member of Morrissey's bridge club, "He usually keeps it on a dummy in his bedroom. Can you imagine his shock while watching Children in Need to see Doctor Bloomin' Who wearing his hair. The poor lad is beside himself. Luckily I could lend him one of my syrups."


Read more...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Christmas in Smurfland


It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I love Christmas! If I'd have my way I'd probably be playing Christmas music right now and if Clare doesn't stop me would come home from every shopping trip with oodles of decorations, tacky or otherwise.

Part of it is definitely nostalgia, especially when it comes to Christmas music. Certain songs, or arrangements, just scream of Christmasses of my childhood. One of them is Christmas in Smurfland by Father Abraham and the Smurfs. Released in 1978 on Decca this was played over and over again while I was a kid. I have no idea where the single is (and indeed have no record player) and so my task this year is to find it on CD or MP3.

A quest sure to fail? Probably, but I'm going to have a go! After all, the smurfs would never give up.


Read more...

Sunday, November 13, 2005

More Princess Leia


Yup the Princess Leia Metal Bikini thing is out of control. Saying that, perhaps I should be more worried that someone painted Jessica Rabbit as Slave Leia or that I found it!!

So who's next? Who's going to be slaved up? Pat Butcher? Actually that last image will probably haunt me to the grave... Shudder!

If there's any digital artists out there who feel they should rise to the challenge of transforming Pat into one of Jabba's slaves I beg you to think about what you're about to do. Such things should never be seen by human eyes...


Read more...

Professor Killjoy


Apparently Professor Ian Stewart from the University of Warwick thinks sci-fi film-writers are being unimaginative when they make their aliens too-human like. Probably has a little something to do with budgets or a lack of gaseous cloud-shaped actors.

He then lays into the Alien movies and I quote:

"The dragonesque alien queen lays her eggs, which are apparently about the size of a football, in the open where they apparently wait for thousands of years for a spaceship to land near them. When it does, any that have survived hungry egg-eaters for all that time hatch out. They have the immediate ability to invade terrestrial mammalian hosts and live inside them, where the nutrients are just right for them. How did they become able to avoid our tissue-recognition immune system? Or how to design just the right local anaesthetic so that the host doesn't know he's got an object the size of his heart - extra - in his chest? Are they turned to people, in fact, or are they general-purpose parasites - a concept that would make any parasite specialist scream?"


Yeah, you're right Ian, those dratted film-makers forgot science and made an entertaining story. How dare they!!!

The best things is that Prof. Stewart apparently writes his own sci-fi with non-humanoid, scientifically realistic aliens. I bet it's a real page-turner...


Read more...

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Forge Web Comic Launched...


It's time for another plug.

Project: Longinus, the first web-comic featuring the Forge from Doctor Who - Project: Twilight, launches today. Scripted by myself and Mark Wright with art from Bryan Coyle it can be found here!

Enjoy!


Read more...

The Vampires of Finistere

Inspired by The Groovy Age of Horror I've tracked down a battered 1972 old copy of The Vampires of Finistere, originally published in 1970 by 'Peter Saxon' (who in fact was a pen-name that a myriad of pulpy authors used in the 60's & 70's).

What a guilty pleasure this yellowed-masterpiece was. The blurb from the back gives you an idea of what you should expect in it's slim 190 pages;
Vampirism, Witchcraft, Black Magic, Voodoo, Sorcery… All the nightmare shapes of Evil – with only The Guardians aroused, aware and able to fight the Dark Powers on their own ground! A missing girl tourist, an archaic ritual in a town that Time forgot and a legend of a sunken city draw The Guardians into their most desperate exploit … and a cataclysmic victory!

In fact that gives you a much better idea of what the story involves rather than that awful sub-conan muscled monstrosity of a cover. Not only is it appalling it has no bearing on the tale whatsoever. I must prefer the Jeff Jones version on the Groovy Age of Horror site.
But enough about the cover, what about the story itself. Well if it had been written three years later I would have said that the author had just seen the Wicker Man as Vampires of Finistere has a lone investigator travelling to a community cut off from the outside world by both water and their pagan beliefs. There's even a fuedal lord who, er, lords it over the village in a Christopher Lee manner. But of course none of this is intentional and to be honest doesn't do the novel any harm.
So we get Steven Kane, an heroic supernatural James Bondish-style action hero and member of the Guardian - a crack team of ghost hunters and demon fighters - who tries to track down a welsh girl lost in the midst of a pagan ritual, facing of stranger-hating locals and taking a dip with a half-siren, half-vampire were-shark in the process. Yes, I'll say that again, a were-shark - Genius!
OK, so this isn't the greatest literature in the world but it is just sheer escapism from a more innocent time. I know I'll be trying to track down other Guardian novels on Ebay. More rubbish to fill the house up with then...


Read more...

Princess Leia's Metal Bikini


Proof that there is a website for everything I direct your gaze to the Leia's Metal Bikini Shrine. Here you can gawp at Star Wars fans dressed in their own home-made slave costumes, discover how to make your own or buy your very own metal bikini. Alternatively you can gaze at fan-art of various young starlets all 'slaved up'. No wonder Jabba licks his lips so much.

However, I must admit I did feel a little dirty and wrong when I stumbled upon the Millionaire Playboy review of the Princess Leia Unleashed action figure. The writers slavers "Its amazing that a costume can become a part in pop culture and inspire people to draw, make costumes, and collect a character based on a gold bikini. After all what guy doesn't want to find a girl that is as pretty as Princess Leia, and as smart as Yoda?" Indeed sir, but will you be able to keep your dream girl when she discovers that you post pictures of your Princess Leia doll's bum on your site?


Read more...

Friday, November 11, 2005

New Cyberman


So there's a new Cyberman design.

First reaction? Well it looks like C3P0's slightly more camp - if slighty more butch - cousin...

But I'm going to wait and see them in the flesh so to speak - with the right direction they could be quite scary I guess...

PS. This image is a fan-produced thingy from Outpost Gallifrey in case you are wondering...


Read more...

Thursday, November 10, 2005

An Undead plug



My copy of The Undead: Zombie Anthology from Permuted Press arrived today. Wahoo! It features, as if I haven't mentioned it enough, my new short-story, Graveyard Slot as well as 22 other zombie tales of gore and general nastiness. No zombie fan should be without a copy.

Luckily you can buy it from Amazon UK(or here if you're in the States), 260 pages of unrelenting undead action and all for £7.99. What a bargain.

Go on, buy one today...

If you don't the zombies will come and chew on your privates while you slumber...,


Read more...

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

And the award for the...


worst sex in a horror film ever goes to the 1974 'classic' Vampyres. Yes, the violence is quite shock but not as much as the rumpy-pumpy. It was like watching people slap their bodies together and then try to wash each others face with their tongues.

Is there anything less erotic than this film?

I doubt it.


Read more...

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Warnings for really stupid people!


Apparently sun-kissed surfers in Malibu have been warned by a free pamphlet handed out at the beach that they should, are you ready for this, "NEVER GO TO THE BEACH TO WATCH FOR, OR SURF, A TSUNAMI WAVE!"

No? Really? Dude, that blows!!

This has got to be one of the most obvious warnings of all time. If you're stupid enough to try and surf a tsunami I doubt you'd even be able to read the pamhlet.

What's next, posters warning people that it is quite bad to Bungy Jump of bridges without tying one of those pieces of elastic around your legs?

"REMEMBER - NEVER TRY TO STOP A SPEEDING TRAIN WITH YOUR HEAD!"

"ON NO ACCOUNT SHOULD YOU TRY OPEN-HEART SURGERY ON YOURSELF WHILE DRUNK!"

"NEVER USE LIVE PIRANAS AS SEX TOYS!"

"WARNING! NEVER TRY TO BURN OFF UNWANTED NASAL HAIR USING A BLOWTORCH!"

Can you think of anymore kids?


Read more...